I’ve been feeling a little adrift this weekend as he has gone camping. It’s the first weekend in a year and a half that we’ve had no contact with each other. I’ve made no plans as this is still a part of the week of rest and relaxation I need, before we begin to work towards what’s important… being together. Besides missing him and my little Sleep Randomness problem I feel good. I made a breakthrough about learned behaviours this week in the lead up to his camping trip.
When he reminded me that he was going camping I became upset. So much had happened last weekend that I had actually forgotten he was going. I quickly pushed the feelings away and went on, but of course, when I push the feelings away I pull away and I wasn’t quite there after that.
It’s so noticeable now when it happens. “I’ll be camping tomorrow” he reminds me. Woah! Ouch, THAT hurt! Why did that hurt? I begin to shake. Oh lord! Something is wrong! I’m not upset about him going camping, so what is it?! I shake more. Tears begin to form. I. Can’t. Right. Now. The mind goes blank as it all gets pushed away. The connection between us is lost, I’ve pulled away.
I could see what I was doing, watch it happening, but I couldn’t stop. Although, to be fair, it is a step up from the past where I could go from pain to silence without even noticing. Part of me tried to recapture that first pain, to re-run those first words. I needed to make sense of what that pain meant, to make sense of what I was feeling. Must go back, get rid of it and regain the lost connection, but my mind had gone blank. There was nothing to capture but emptiness. I felt lonely.
Why do I hide my feelings? Growing up I learnt that expressing my feelings led to guilt and pain. Instead of love and understanding I would be given anger and pain, made to feel guilty when I tried to share. As a way to survive, instead of sharing I would become silent. Well, silent until the next time I would spiral out of control forcing the silence to break. Sadly, breaking the silence never involved words. Not a healthy way by any means, but it’s what I learnt to do.
In my frustration with my silence the other day, I went back to my hunt for a solution. Understanding came as I watched a short film on nature versus nurture… the eye opener. Click. Aha, I get it, understanding why isn’t enough. Time for a sticky note on the forehead? The behaviour is changeable. Able to be changed. Tsk, tsk, action required from me. I need to drive the change, steer my behaviour away from those old rusted tracks it always followed before. Give it new tracks. Someone is feeling slow to have missed the obvious for so long *blush*
Whew, okay, got it this time. Time to steer my behaviour away from those old rusted tracks… I reminded myself of his love. I took a deep breath and prepared to expose my heart, to make myself vulnerable to him again.
I’ll miss you while you’re away. There won’t be any contact at all, since you can’t SMS me. I’ll be alone without your love and I feel abandoned the very week I leave That Game. I’m lonely already.
This is how I felt.
I said these words to him and felt the connection between us return.
I’ll miss you while you’re away. Even as I feel the fear of abandonment build, your love wraps itself around me as it always does.
This is how I feel.