I feel old today, withered and past my best before date. Maybe I am old, or hormonal, or maybe it’s just that the weekend is finally over and there are only two teenagers left in the house. My son and his girlfriend… young, in love and with their whole lives in front of them.
I’d call it Post Teenage Weekend Blues, except I don’t always feel this way when my son has filled the house up with his friends. They are fun and they bring a breath of fresh change and constant activity for a few days. Granted I could do without hearing all the gossip through my bedroom window as they sit and discuss their lives on the balcony. I’m also more than a little relieved when the weekend is finally over and the house settles back into it’s quiet routines… and I know there will be milk for coffee if I go to make one. It’s just that some weekends I’m left with no doubt that I’m no longer young myself.
Their lives are in front of them while most of my life lays behind me. On days like today I can’t help thinking that I wasted so much of it. There’s no losing those thoughts today and I have tried. I don’t wish I was 18 again and I’m not playing the what if game with myself. I’m not filled with regrets for the past. It just feels like there’s not enough time in front of me anymore. That I’m selfish to want to live my future, to want life. That it’s wasted in some way when the young have it all in front of them.
I feel old today. Maybe sleep is all I need.