#reverb10 – Core Story

Few words today… only tears and a shaky smile.

December 31 – Core Story. What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.) (Author: Molly O’Neill)


Through the landscape of a blasted soul, new life.


{Future tool: Susannah Conway’s Allowing Dreams} Today is the final day of #reverb10.

Thank you from Reverb10 HQ.
Follow us on Twitter: @gwenbell, @kaileenelise & @caligater.

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#reverb10 – Gift

December 30 – Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year? (Author: Holly Root)

This year gave me the gift of understanding my choices.

When I’ve made a choice grounded in fear or in doubt, then right or wrong, I don’t think it’s really been a choice. It’s been a learned reaction to stimuli, a survival instinct. The choice lost in the trauma. Yep, I can see many of my choices as nothing more than learned reactions. Sure, you could ask… but wasn’t it a choice to begin to react that way?

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#reverb10 – Defining Moment

December 29 – Defining Moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year. (Author: Kathryn Fitzmaurice)

Alright. You ever had one of those moments when you read something and think “OMFG!!!”? Honestly, have you? I did reading this prompt. Then I promptly began laughing. Big. Belly. Laughter. Seriously, I did! Nooo, I’m not having some strange manic episode. It was like a moment of clarity and I’m now typing the words out as fast as I can to get it across. If it makes no sense, so be it. It’s still a win situation for me *giggles*

After last night, how I felt going to sleep and how I felt waking up… my initial reaction was expected, I guess. Yeah, alright you don’t know how I felt this morning. I’ll have to think about unpasswording the Dreams1 post.  But anyway, you know what? Having thought about this for a few hours I decided that the big events good and bad, like the break up, or last nights post, passing my course… these things don’t define me or affect my life in any real way. Keep up now, as I’ll probably jump between using me and life in this post, because in many ways they mean the same thing.

These events mark me, they don’t define me. It’s what I do afterwards that affects my life. It’s how it’s dealt with and how it’s seen… that is what defines me, what affects my life. It’s what happens afterwards… the little things that affect. Do you get where I’m going with this? Hmm, think about it as… my life is a reflection of me. I’m a reflection of my life.

Last night I described my life as moments of joy blanketed by darkness. It’s a pretty fair and accurate description of both me and my life. The darkness grew over the years from an inability to cope or deal with events in a healthy way. The Achieve post was Big for me. Very Big. Sharing it has marked me, but not in the same way as the events described did so long ago. It has to mark me, at least in some way. I still feel it, but again I’ve trusted in the process and I’ve woken up… feeling. This is good. To feel is good. I also woke up to 2 comments on the post and they were… just right. I trusted and the universe reflected me back at me. My life as it is becoming.

This is what affects me, affects my life. The little things… and this is just a sample from the last few weeks.

  • A friend who spent time joking with me at 4am on Skype, well, 4am for me, when I needed it.
  • The online community who welcomed me back as if I’d never been gone.
  • Joyful moments spent with family in the midst of my annual Christmas meltdown.
  • Comments received on a difficult post, other comments on other posts.
  • My son saying today… “Could be arranged. Nah, I like my mum” after I’d given the kids an “Over my dead body” comment in a morning tease-fest.

Yes, the big events mark me, but it’s the little things that affect my life. They reflect and define who I am, who I am becoming… in turn this change within is reflected back at me in my life.

Confused? I’m not! *evil giggle* If you are confused, we’ll just blame it on this being one of the fastest posts I’ve written… ever!!

{Future tool: The 99%’s How to Budget for an Irregular Income. For the next 3 days as you round out your year, we’ll share one tool each day to help you plan your year ahead.}

#reverb10 – Achieve

December 28 – Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today. (Author: Tara Sophia Mohr)

Oh lord *shakes head* This opened a can of worms. Stinky, horrible worms. *shakes head* I hope this is worth it. I hope bringing as much as I bring out into the light here heals. I was going to move most of it to drafts and publish it later… but I’ll throw a little trust at the universe again and let it be. It feels the right time.

There is only one thing I want to achieve in 2011 and that’s to leave depression behind, or at least feel I’m in control of my life again.

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#reverb10 – Ordinary Joy

December 27 – Ordinary Joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year? (Author: Brené Brown)

Ahhh, “joyful ordinary moments”. No matter what I’ve been going through this year there have been a lot of moments of joy. With family, with Chris, alone… standing out in the yard in the pouring rain… Oooo wonderful!, but I think next time I won’t stop myself from jumping in some puddles *giggle*

The one that I do want to write about is from Christmas Day, probably as it was during my annual “Ugh, Christmas!” issues. There was joy on that day. I’ve already written about listening and watching the kids playing in the morning, but in the afternoon my brother and I took them to the beach. We left towels and dry clothes in the cars because of the weather and traipsed off with ourselves and the boogie boards.

We were all in the water and I looked to my left and found my brother, to the right my nephews were waiting for waves to catch and behind me I found my son and his girlfriend. We were all in the water and we all had smiles on our faces. Everyone was happy in this moment, even me. The rain was falling lightly by this time, but we were happy and carefree. I thought my heart could have burst with joy in that moment.

{Future tool: Tara Mohr’s The Next Steps After Vision… For the next 5 days as you round out your year, we’ll share one tool each day to help you plan your year ahead.

For a visual journey into reflecting + manifesting, check the Flickr images tagged with #reverb10.}

#reverb10 – Soul Food

December 26 – Soul Food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul? (Author: Elise Marie Collins)

Since I read this prompt yesterday it’s like I’ve been stuck staring at a wall, actually I was thrown head first into the wall, left too dizzy to get up and find a way around it. The wall? During this reverb10 I’ve run into two main blocks… that I don’t have the memories, or photos, or whatever to pull on, or memories of Chris makes a prompt too painful.

So this prompt comes along and I run into one of the two blocks… again. I have no memories this year where food touched my soul. There are foods I’ve eaten, meals I’ve enjoyed this year that I will always remember, but they didn’t touch my soul. Even Christmas dinner just a few days ago, great food, fairly traditionally Finnish with some non-Finnish additions over the years. Can’t have Christmas dinner without Pavlova now. It’s summer, forget the steamed puddings and other hot stuffs… Pavlova is great in summer. But, the meal doesn’t touch my soul. All the angst surrounding this time of year means Christmas dinner is always left as… just a meal.

Said it. Now I should end the post and look at the next one? NO!! Not this time!!

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#reverb10 – Photo

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you. (Author: Tracey Clark)

I’ve delayed on this prompt as I was hoping to use the family Christmas photo here as it represents a step forward, or me stepping forward. Something like that, lol. I have asked for it, a couple of times. I’ll just have to wait and see if I get it.

Since there is no Christmas photo (yet), there is one other photo of me from this year and it will do. At least I think it’s the only photo of me this year.Yes, it’s the one I’m using as a profile pic everywhere, since it’s the most recent photo that I have. It was taken 11 November, while I was stuck in the silence of the fog. There are no posts on the blog 18 October to 22 November, almost a month. It was a strange month.

I’ve written recently about the almost panic I’ve been getting lately when I go into crowded places. This is only a recent occurrence, beginning a few days after the break up. Photos have had this effect on me for years. Even so, while in the fog, I made myself take this photo and send it to Chris. Now I share it everywhere. Hmm, I did begin to wonder why I started to, but I think I’ll pass on following that train of thought here.


That's it folks

What does the photo reveal? Well, really it depends on how I’m feeling. Some days I see the smile. Other days I see the pain in the eyes. I remember clearly the pain I was in the day I took the photo, but I was in love, so I wiped away the tears and took it anyway.

In many respects this photo does represent 2010 for me… 2010. Love and Pain.

(This space left open in hopes the Christmas photo shows up soon) LOL

{Future tool: Soul Biographies: Thoughts Become Things. For the next 7 days as you round out your year, we’ll share one tool each day to help you plan your year ahead.}