A few months ago, Chris had suggested I start a blog. This blog isn’t what he had in mind, but then again it didn’t really end up being what I had originally envisioned either. It was what I needed though. In some ways it’s been healing for me, to publish to a handful of strangers (and Chris) some of what has been inside me. It was a little disconcerting to know posts were read, but never any comments, but I trusted in the process anyway. I began to use drafts as a way to capture random thoughts and could then collate them to understand myself better, sharing with Chris and publishing some, in a hope to help in my healing.
I was working on a blog post that put all the ‘fog stuff’ together. I’ve been emotionally tired, but it was healing to collate all the information I had in various drafts, bringing it all together into one post, well it would have ended up in at least 3 parts. There’s no point in finishing now. How do I trust what I was feeling when I was wrong about so much else?
Chris and I are over. There was too much against us that we were unable or unwilling to overcome. My healing was too slow. He says it wasn’t, but many of the reasons he gave me only exist as I’m still damaged. I didn’t really see where the conversation we had today was heading. I’m not really sure when it hit me, that the relationship was being ended.
although I’m standing on my own more often and you’re not propping me up as often. even though I’m getting better and want to get even better… I still need you. I need your love. I need your humour, your way of looking at the world, your incredible ability to make things seem possible. I need you so we can plan our future together. I need you. Did I mention I need your love? I’ll keep it clean and leave out some of the other stuff I need
I don’t want you to think I don’t need you love, or that I won’t need you.
I don’t want to get better so I’m standing here alone. I want to get better so I can live my life with you.
I feel like a fool. Had he already decided to end things before I said that? Had he been waiting for me to wake up to end things? or did he realise as I did during the conversation that I wasn’t worthwhile? I’ll never know now. He pressed too many buttons, too many triggers. He knows me too well. This pain is what I get when I trust. I couldn’t even read the last things he wrote through my tears. For all I know what I wrote was full of typing errors.
I woke up this morning feeling a little detached. I wish I still felt detached. My heart is broken. I have no one to turn to in my grief, as the man I love, the man I trusted, who I considered my best friend, is now gone from my life. It’s better this way. I feel broken but it’s only me who will have to see it. I was about to begin group therapy, to help me learn how to function in healthy ways *shakes head* I don’t want anyone else to see me like this. I am worthless
I am as I was before… alone. I will deal with this as I’ve dealt with similar in the past… in the only ways I trust. I see no reason to continue my ‘adventure within’, as I don’t want more of this pain.Trust is pain. This is so clear now. I should never have hoped for something more. I should never have believed I deserved anything more than I got.
This blog is finished.