An affirmation stared down from the wall at me today. I sat in another room, alone and waited for my tears to subside enough to drive home.
I couldn’t stop staring at the words… Begin With the End in Sight
I began to think about how this related to what had happened. Over much of the last almost 2 years with Chris I often had trouble seeing the End, let alone seeing the path to the End. Just prior to starting this blog he gave me an ultimatum. Make US my priority. I don’t do well with ultimatums. I gave up the things that he felt I was using as a distraction and tried to walk away from the relationship. I was back within hours.
From that night, when I made a decision to make US the priority, I have moved forward. Sometimes in leaps and bounds, sometimes at a snail’s pace, but the forward momentum was continuous. I had certain goals and all were made with the End in Sight.
Today I thought about what it was that I was working towards… the End I had in Sight. Was it as Chris believes… living together, marriage, a child? We still had stages to pass in our relationship before we could seriously even consider any of the above. I know this as well as he does. The difference was, while he was ruling things out, I was still accepting possibilities. At least this is how I saw it. Maybe I should have been ruling things out instead of believing in fairy tales.
I don’t want to get better so I’m standing here alone. I want to get better so I can live my life with you.
This is the End that I was working towards. No place, no time, no must haves, no deal breakers. Everything else could be worked through. It was him I wanted to be with. I wanted to be healed and living my life with him.
Healed. Living. Life. Him. Simple really.
I sit here and I have no End in Sight. I’ve lost faith in myself, in my ability to believe in something better. My trust, fragile to begin with, is shattered.
I need a new End, but first I need to grieve for what is gone.