Changes

Still here. Sigh. Less than 24 hours since I retired this blog and I’m back already. I have no one to turn to anymore. So, silent blogosphere… you’re it.

This morning I sat in my car for 20 minutes, eyes red-rimmed and swollen, putting myself into a place of quiet. It was never a difficult thing to do in the past. I would push aside the heartache, locking it away somewhere safe inside for later when I could be alone again.

It worked, or at least I thought it had. I felt peaceful as I drove to my course, signed in, sat down and the class started. I knew beforehand the first part of the morning would be the most difficult, as we’re all expected to name something we’re grateful for. My mind clamoured for something, anything. Grateful for something? Yeah, right. The rug was pulled out from under me yesterday. As it came closer to my turn, I glanced out the window and saw the rain. Huh? I drove to the course and the rain didn’t register? Rain it would be.

My turn came. I said… the rain. The room erupted with everyone’s thoughts of the rain and what they love about it. The comfort of curling up in bed with a good book, a good movie, a loved one… letting the world slide by while the sound of rain creates a cocoon. I remained silent. I don’t think they’d understand that today I was grateful for the rain, as rainy weather would mean there’s less people smiling, hence less people to highlight my own sadness to me.

So, I survived the grateful thing. I even survived the affirmation part of the morning. I heaved a sigh of relief as I could turn to my books and not have to smile for the world. Just 5 more hours to go. I could do this.

Or not. As I was writing the first tear slid down my face and dropped onto my paper, then the second tear. The page became blurred and all I could do was sit there with my eyes tightly closed, trying to will the tears away. They receded, so I opened my eyes, took a deep breath and began to write again. The tears began to stream down my face. I sat there in my class, silent and alone, as the tears streamed down my face. There was nothing I could do to stop them.

I was home within the hour. Maybe today I need silence and to let the tears come.

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