Grief

I realise there’s a 7 stages of grief floating around. After looking at both, I like combining Pain with Anger, so 5 stages it is. This makes sense to how I feel. I hurt. I’m angry. I hurt. I’m angry. I’m swinging wildly from one to the other.

The five stages of grief… denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance

“The stages have evolved since their introduction, and they have been very misunderstood over the past three decades. They were never meant to tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss. There is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives.” Elizabeth Kubler Ross

Denial. There’s no denying… it’s over. I felt the shock of denial when I first realised where the conversation was going. I couldn’t believe it was happening, that this was what he wanted, that this was what he was pushing buttons for. I couldn’t believe that he didn’t love me. I passed from denial to anger/pain when I realised how stupid I’ve been. I still have moments of denial. Well, I can’t see it as anything else but denial, when I start asking why and wondering who. Crazy psycho b***h much?

Anger. Yeah, this is where I know I am. Anger mixed with a lot of Pain. A lot of Pain. Mostly right now I’m angry with myself for believing we could be, for believing in the fairytale. I shouldn’t have trusted. I should have known better. <<< and that kind of thinking is counterproductive, so I suspect is calling it counterproductive. I do have moments of anger with him, but I’ve never been good at directing anger outwards.

I’m angry that I never leave myself with anyone. I always let contacts drop and move on. Every friend or group of friends… I move on and clear them from my life. I’m alone. It’s my own doing and I’m angry that I grew up believing that I’m not worth keeping as a friend. I’m angry that I still believe it.

I’m angry that I have to deal with this break-up, with being alone and with the realisation about my past all at the same time… and Christmas seems too close. Is it no wonder the fog terrifies me right now. When do I reach that moment of too much? And that makes me angry, that I might not make it anyway.

The chorus that runs through my head… never again, never again, never again.

Bargaining. What’s there to Bargain for, even in my own mind, with a man who doesn’t love me? It took me a little while to decide which stage I would lump Guilt into. I’ve seen it listed with Pain. I’ve seen it listed with Anger. Both work. I chose Bargaining. I could see Guilt switching with Bargaining, in much the same way Pain and Anger switch for me, although I still don’t see myself Bargaining for him… except maybe for please, please, please take the Pain away. I do expect a lot more Guilt. I’ve always been good at blaming myself.

Depression. An old friend I’m sure I’ll spend more time with and one I’ll always be glad to see the back of. I understand that the stages can switch back and forth, that some can last a long time, that some can be missed completely. I’d like to miss this one *nods head* Please? With a cherry on top?

Acceptance. I already accept the relationship is over. I’m just nowhere near over it. Yet. Besides, there’s still that whole… love is a fairy tale and I was an idiot to believe in it thing going on in my mind. I think moving on might be a little difficult while that’s playing the Hit Parade in my head. Then, I think the other part of Acceptance is Forgiveness. Tough one to see happening any time soon. Too much Anger right now.

Sigh. I just don’t know if all this posting is doing anything positive for me, or even if it will. It seems desperate and single faceted to me. Granted, I am desperate to stay out of the fog. That alone should make it worthwhile. I’m not sure what to do about it feeling single faceted. I’ll need to look into this. If I manage at least an 80% almost sane rating with the posts I will have reason to feel proud of myself later. Haha, just realised… how do I work out what’s almost sane when I’m feeling like this?

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