The walls began to press in on me today, so I went to the beach and then to the headland this afternoon. I could probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve been to either place this year. I’m very glad I went.
Between intermittent showers and the wind, the beach was almost empty, which I expected. It was very windy. The parasurfers were out in force.
I watched a man trying to feed a one-legged seagull. Just as this particular seagull prepared to jump forward to grab the piece of food another seagull would swoop down and grab it. Persistance won and the bird got some yums in the end.
*thinks* Seeing what’s possible and Persistance. I see a message from the universe there. *thinks*
I felt good. There’s nothing like the elements to clear the head. Random people began talking to me and I started to feel what I’d only describe as the beginnings of a panic attack. I slowed my breathing down and tried to relax, but couldn’t, so I decided on a tactical retreat and drove to the headland.
I sat on the steps looking down at the ocean and wondered about my reaction at the beach. It wasn’t that the human contact was unwanted, well not really. I wasn’t thinking… stay away, leave me alone. Thumbs up that I’m not putting out the whole F Off! vibe. When I thought about what happened and how I felt at the time, I realised that I didn’t want people looking at me. I asked myself Why?
There was silence in my mind while the thoughts gathered themselves. I just know it’s big when my mind does that. Almost as if my mind wants to give me time to say Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know! I waited for the answer… I didn’t want people to see how unloveable I am. Sigh. Can’t blame a girl for sitting on the steps at the headland and crying at that answer.
I sat there crying and could feel myself begin to shrivel inside. I can’t think of any other word to describe the feeling. I could feel me, the me inside, becoming smaller, shrivelling up. Disappearing. I sat and I cried and I watched me begin to disappear. I cried, I don’t want to go away! I can do this! I want to do this!
A memory came to me of a blog post I’d read a few weeks ago while I was searching endlessly for answers. I apologise to the blogger. If I could remember the blog, I’d mention it. It’s just that I was reading so many at the time. She spoke about using the 5 senses to stay connected to herself. Something from her therapist. I tried it.
I could see the waves breaking, the breaking water looked like thousands of fingers of white water racing each other. I could see the grass blowing in the wind. Each blade bending to it’s own strength, some standing straight, refusing to bend at all.
I could hear the waves breaking, a roar drowning all other sounds. I heard a car start, reverse from the car park, drive around the loop and around the corner… before the sound was lost to the waves.
I could smell the salt from the water. Such a clean smell. I smelt flowers, just for a moment. Flowers!!?? I looked around but couldn’t see any and as I began to think I’d imagined the smell I saw the Frangipanis. Trees with flowers *nods*
I could feel the wind whipping my clothes and hair around me, cold and alive all at the same time. I could feel the rain drops against my face.
I… umm. That’s only 4. What’s the 5th sense? Sight, sound, smell, touch… umm? My mind had gone blank. This was not good. I ran through the first 4 again and waited patiently.
I opened my mouth and tasted salt in the air. Taste. Taste is number 5. I could taste the salt in the air. I could taste the last cigarette I had.
I took a deep breath as the world washed over me and felt myself begin to unshrivel. Booyah! I began to smile. The one who feels unloveable sat on the steps of the headland watching the waves break and smiled. Can I say that at that moment I loved myself enough to stay? Is that what it means? I think so. It still hurts, but for the first time since Thursday I actually believe I’ll make it.
I took a photo of the view from the headland with my old phone. It has a memory card now. I have no idea where the cord is to connect it to the computer *rolls eyes* or the blue tooth USB thingy *rolls eyes* I had to email it to myself *giggles* I think capturing the moment was worth the cost.
Hmm, I should add that I don’t have DID as it’s called now. I used to lose time when I was a teenager, so it was one of the subjects that I did some reading on. The bravery of the writers of the blogs I read left me in awe of the ability of humans to survive, saddened that they would have to and disgusted at those who could inflict such cruelty on children unable to defend themselves. Whether my lost time was from drinking or disassociating or a bit of both I’ll probably never know for sure. I do know that I used to disassociate to some degree to avoid an overload of emotion. I don’t know if I was disassociating today. I think so. I don’t understand it. I just don’t want people to think there’s more here than there is, or that I’m as brave as those who live with DID.