I’ve decided to take part in Reverb 2010, which I found out about here. I was feeling inspired (and nervous) by Brené Brown’s own post and some of the other Reverb posts that I read. Considering I’d like to know myself better and step forward into the future, it seemed a perfect idea… reflect on the past year and prepare myself for next year.
Damn, what was I thinking??!! The first tears began to fall the moment I began to reflect on my first answer.
December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)
One word. 2010. Alone. I considered any number of words that would symbolise the year for me… a year of joy, love, fear, sadness, grief, but I kept coming back to Alone. The year was full of changes inside myself. I was in a relationship that even with my internal fear and doubts could fill me with such joy and hope for the future I felt I could have died from it. Died happy.
*takes a moment to dwell on the memory of that feeling*
The truth is, even in my joy and hope I was alone. I felt it alone. I alone felt it. Granted in the end that appears to have been true, that I was alone in it, but that’s beside the point. That’s not what the word means to me right now. The tears stopped when I began to consider that the word Alone means more than the obvious. The pain is still there, but it’s pain with meaning, if that makes sense.
I stood alone in my choices. I took steps alone. I said no alone. I also said yes. Even if at times it appears wasted, that I made the wrong choices and I sometimes stood still… they were all choices I made. I was Alone in my choices. It isn’t that I wanted to rebel against the choices of others… I had to. I was alone looking to be free.
One word. 2011. Free. Whew. This time next year, I really would love to look back over the year and think to myself that I’m Free. Free to feel. Free of the compulsion inside to hide. Free to be imperfect.
December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)
Ugh, I don’t consider myself a writer. I have this little blog place I like to come to and I enjoy writing here. I do know I’d like to write from a place of honesty. I’d like to tap into that rawness inside me, both good and bad, but I still have trouble facing that passion, let alone sharing it. Yes, I want to write from a place of honesty. I want to live from a place of honesty.
I hide from my passion. I think I can kick that habit… at least I am working on it.
December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)
*shakes head* There were many moments, but I’m really not ready to sift through those memories. Just touching them with my mind leaves me… longing for those moments again. The others pale in comparison. Sigh, time for another break for tears.
December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)
Geez. Do you have any idea how hard some of these are for me right now? “cultivate a sense of wonder”. I hid from wonder… too much. Words. I read a lot this year and kept so much of it inside. Love. I listened. *takes a deep breath* Sometimes I even heard and felt a sense of wonder.
December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)
*considers screaming* I let go of false love. My parents. Those who couldn’t stand Alone with my choices. There’s a difference between what is said and what is done, between words and action “…always wanted you to be happy”. My parents have used these same words a thousand times. The words are said and they pretend they mean them as they’re said. I always wish that I could take the words at face value, but I stopped believing them 30+ years ago… actions do speak louder than words. What did they really mean? “You could have been happy if…”. Sigh. Back to honesty. I want people who will come to me from a place of honesty. Honesty hurts, it’s vulnerable, but it’s real. It opens up communication and connection. I want real honesty, not what you all think will make me feel better.
December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)
I made this blog. I used fear and love and heartache and guilt and shame… and hope. *giggles*
Alright, something a little more physical?
I haven’t made anything this year beyond the standard “baked, roasted, grilled…”. These particular bookmarks were made a few years ago. Now that I’m thinking about it, there are so many things I’d like to make. I don’t think I picked up a crafty item all year. That’s soooo not like me.
December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)
I discovered community playing an online game. Different people, different cultures, different ways of looking at the world, but all working together for an outcome. Sure, it was a game, but when people can look for solutions together rather than politicising (“this is the only way”), community is found. Although the final decision to do so was correct, I sometimes wish I hadn’t left. I still talk to some of those people I met *smiles*
In 2011 I’d like to find, become a part of a community of people who want to live honestly.
There ends a week’s worth of Reverb 2010. Only 24 more to go? *adds tissues to the shopping list* Having read day 8… it can wait. I think I’ll have to stick to answering these in batches.