It’s a Love vs Hate Kind of Thing

I’m having a real love vs hate relationship with my life right now. Especially as I’m still enfolded in the loving arms of my family. Yes, that was sarcastic. It’s left me asking myself questions… When do I feel good about myself? What part does self-love play in depression?

When I think back to the times I’ve sunk into depression, about how I felt about myself and everything else, I can see that my thoughts become full of self-loathing. I might have situations in my life that are pulling me down emotionally, but I end up aiming all the emotion at myself rather than at the situation. Simply, when depressed, I don’t feel good about myself. Understatement.

I don’t feel good about myself right now, but I’m not depressed. I’ve thought to myself that I should be depressed, considering what I’ve been feeling and going through the last week. Where is the difference? Why am I not depressed?

Firstly, I don’t feel powerless and without a voice. I can thank this blog for that.

Secondly, I decided that I can and do feel good about myself when I think there is more things to be grateful for than things that try to pull me down. Simply put, things I love vs things I hate, although I guess I don’t really need to love something to be grateful for it. My life is precariously balanced between love and hate, which at least has stopped me from sinking into depression.

I can choose to avoid some situations that try to tip me off the ledge, but total avoidance is not the answer. A pattern of avoidance is asking for further problems later on. Said from experience *nods head* Let me say that standing in the middle of the lingerie department with tears streaming down my face is not a good look. Hard to feel good about myself in a situation like that. I can’t exactly avoid these kind of places and triggers indefinitely. Hence why I started asking the questions.

Some situations I try to prepare myself for, such as the panic I start to feel as soon as I’m heading towards somewhere with people. Yes, I’m still getting this. Yes, it’s self shame. I feel it start and I try affirmations *shakes head* It seems the only thing that works right now is telling myself… no one can actually see what is inside me. Obviously, that’s not ideal.

I know feeling good about myself should start on the inside. It should be a belief within. I know that right now I don’t believe it. I have too many negative self thoughts to believe it. Words (compliments) from others have no effect on me. I automatically think to myself… thanks, more lies *rolls eyes* That leaves me with Love vs Hate and trying to keep the things I’m grateful for, that I do feel good about, firmly planted in my mind.

It’s a strain to constantly feel on the edge like this. At least I know that once we move I should be able to relax a little. Maybe then affirmations might have a better effect on my whole when I’m not constantly being bombarded with the message that I’m not worth loving.

I’m fighting for myself, so I must think that I’m worth fighting for. It starts with I. Little steps.

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