This is the 17th prompt for #reverb10, which I joined a week ago. I thought it a wonderful idea, to take the time to reflect on 2010 and begin to manifest 2011. I really have received more from participating than I expected… some dramatic changes have taken place since I began answering the prompts. There has been pain and anger. There has been happiness. There has been a lot of healing. To think that only fifteen days have passed since I thought my world had ended.
I am as I was before… alone. I will deal with this as I’ve dealt with similar in the past… in the only ways I trust. I see no reason to continue my ‘adventure within’, as I don’t want more of this pain.Trust is pain. This is so clear now. I should never have hoped for something more. I should never have believed I deserved anything more than I got.
This blog is finished.
Fifteen days! Seems unbelievable that so much can change in only fifteen days. The prompts have at times pushed buttons. I was hurting, a lot, so it’s understandable that they would. My very first reverb10 post, a catch up of the first seven prompts left me in tears and gave me a taste of what I had begun.
Damn, what was I thinking??!! The first tears began to fall the moment I began to reflect on my first answer.
The one thing they have all done, even the ones I had negative reactions to, is make me reflect and take a good honest look at my life and choices for this year (the last few years in some cases). Some prompts are similar to others, but I’ve found I begin to look deeper, or look in a different direction than the previous prompts. Changes within became glaringly obvious as I began to reflect on today’s prompt. This process has been a gift.
I can’t think of any better gift to myself than the preparation #reverb10 is giving me for the new year.
December 17 – Lesson Learned What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? (Author: Tara Weaver)
I felt very emotional thinking about this prompt… but not in a bad way! We had a ripper of a storm, so I stayed home to consider my response instead of going to the beach. Mmmm, I do love storms. Very distracting. The elements *shivers*
This year I learned that I’m worth loving, I’m worth fighting for. That was the best lesson. To be honest, I only let myself really believe it in the last few weeks. I’ve been fighting for myself for years, albeit a losing battle a lot of the time, but didn’t really believe I was worth it. Even so, I kept fighting and I’m winning now.
I still have a fairly negative self-image playing itself out in my mind and little knowledge of healthy ways of emotional functioning. Most of what I’ve been doing has been totally seat of the pants hanging on for dear life. Five days and counting until my first therapy session. I have a list of questions a page long for the therapist… I keep thinking it should be the other way around? *giggles*
Loving myself. Treating myself with respect and love. I’m a little ashamed to admit that I don’t know how to apply this lesson beyond what I’m already doing… taking one step after the other into a newly bright future.
At this moment, I could wish I was a writer… just so I could give life to and share the awe I feel when I say the words… I’m worth loving.