Fear and the Therapist

So, typically me, now that I’ve been to my first session my feelings about therapy become clearer in my mind. I’ve been nervous ever since I made the decision to go. The last few days have been the pits for nerves. I’ve been a little surprised that I’ve managed to get one thought out after another. One thing I’d said in an earlier post is that although nervous, I have a better understanding of what outcomes I expect (or hope for) and for the first time in my life I’m not terrified of the outcomes. This still holds true. It’s the actual interaction with the therapist that wants me running in the other direction.

The thing is, I can’t lose the dread of someone picking through my mind. The confidentiality makes it easier to share everything and maybe for that reason the thought that it’s all there to be shuffled through, picked over and swept up to be examined… leaves my skin crawling.

Remember, I’m a person who’s really good at hiding, from others as well as myself. I struggle to understand what I’m feeling and why. I struggle with sharing my thoughts. I struggle with expressing myself. I struggle with looking at myself, or letting others see me.

This is different to the detached ramblings Chris used to get from me about my past before he brought me back to my feelings. It’s different to my sharing what randomly crosses my mind on this blog, or the answers to the reverb prompts. This is open rape of my mind… and I’ll walk in the door, sit down on that comfortable sofa and let the therapist do it.

It’s real dread I feel. My skin crawls.

I know, I know. It’s a process and I am keeping the other end in sight. I do believe that it should get easier over time and the end is worth this dread.

I’d made a pretty good list of behaviours I wanted help with, which I left at home… of course *rolls eyes* When asked, I could only remember 3 items on the list. They’ll be a good start anyway and we can add to the list later.

I knew I needed fuel for today, so I wait until I’m on the way to remember. Bright side of this… I spent more time on the drive worrying about the fuel gauge than the upcoming session. Between staring at the fuel gauge, chain-smoking and watching traffic I hit repeat on one song over and over and over again. I was only interested in the chorus…

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn’t I, my dear?

Mumford and Sons – Little Lion Man

Just a little love song to myself *giggle*

First session over.

Depression, anxiety or stress? Which do you guess folks? I’ll give you a moment… enough time?

I scored low on stress. High on both depression and anxiety, depression was a little higher. No surprise really. I’ve been given an action plan for the depression, to get me through the next week or two. Umm, that bad? *thinks* Maybe I have a depression tolerance? Is there even such a thing?

I have to divide up my day and create a timetable of things to do. Timetables and to do lists! Sure, I like systems. I’m a systems type person, but to do lists? Timetables? Bleh! Can’t I have a bit of spontaneity instead? It’s to keep me active and oriented on doing things so that I don’t sink into a deeper depression. Ohhh, really? Okay, consider it done… after some sleep.

I got there and I’m happy with the direction the first session took. We’ll begin work on that other stuff next session *shivers*

I am relieved. Tired. Depressed. Happy. Jittery. Twitchy. Anxious. Tired. Did I mention tired? I’m going to call early night. I hope he answers quickly! Honestly, I am happy.


4 thoughts on “Fear and the Therapist

  1. That was a big first step! I was in therapy for a while and found it so refreshing to unload all my crazy thoughts on someone who wouldn’t judge. Or at least not to my face!

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