There’s still a lot of dark places inside me. Last month I described my life as moments of joy blanketed with darkness. This still holds true, as much as I’d like to say… It isn’t so!
There are changes as the memories float up. Many of the darker memories that I locked away echo beliefs about myself that I grew up with. I’m to blame. I’m not loveable. I hate me. There are more, and it’s these beliefs that gave the memories power over me and my life for so long.
I no longer blame myself for everything that happens. Believe me, I used to. It’s what my parents taught me about myself and I didn’t know any better. I couldn’t find enough love inside me to change the way I behaved. I think it was last year that my son and I were in the car. We’d been talking about how my father had dented his car within weeks of having all the dents repaired. We were joking about it. My father and cars? Expect dents. My son turned to me and joked… he hasn’t worked out how yet, but I wonder how long before he finds a way to blame you for the dent. I laughed, because it’s true and we were in a good mood, but at the same time it hit home really hard. That’s how it has always been and I always took on the blame.
They’ve been blaming me for everything in their lives that makes them unhappy for so long, it’s become habit. So now it’s been up to me to change my habit of a lifetime… to not take the blame. I’m learning to do this.
Guilty people can’t feel loveable. I don’t think it’s possible. Forgiveness is an act of love and to forgive yourself, you need to love yourself… both to give yourself that act of love and to accept it, or before I can understand that it’s not my guilt to feel. At least that’s the way I see it. Now that I am standing in a place of love for myself, as shaky as I might think it is at times, these memories drift up and I have finally been able to begin forgiving myself. I feel the pain of the memories as they come, but the darkness is slowly being transformed into a place of peace.
So anyway, there are a lot of memories of guilt and uncertainty floating up lately and I’ve been sorting through them. Some will be posted, as the kitten one was yesterday. Bare with me while these show up, as whatever feelings the posts are written with… there is actually a transformation taking place inside me *wonders how many variations of this butterfly picture she can find*
There might be some confusion when or if I post memories as they’re often written with the feelings I felt as they came up. The other thing is they like company… they never like to come up alone. So add to the confusion as I start to split these memories into separate drafts. All part of the puzzle process I have to go through to decipher my feelings. The answer, if there is an answer I’m looking for, may very well end up somewhere totally different.
There’s no magic wand to make it happen quicker, as much as I’d like there to be. At least some happy memories have been floating up as well. I suspect I locked those away when they didn’t echo the negative beliefs I had about myself at the time. Those memories are more fractured and incomplete, so there’s less of a story with them… hopefully that will change as the process continues, as I’ve been having trouble working out ways to use these memories in the blog. Oh snap! I just worked out how… figures!
In many ways, I feel as fractured and incomplete as the happy memories floating up are. I see this in things I set out to do every day. I see it when I read over my writing. All a process and none of it seems easy, especially with life feeling so uncertain right now. So many things are up in the air as we begin the hunt for a new place to live, but it’s all forward motion. Yay, party! Forward!