I wasn’t sure when or how I was going to write this post. Actually, I wasn’t sure if I ever would. It’s been building inside me for weeks and I’ve managed a few days now where I had posts scheduled so I could spend some time letting my thoughts run free on it. Interestingly, it’s when I was exhausted and my mind almost sludge that much of the puzzle slid into some coherency for me.
Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.
In previous posts I’ve alluded to my doubts about my relationship with Chris and the anger I’ve felt since the break up. I still get moments of anger, but mostly now it’s pain and uncertainty. I use 750words.com to clear my head daily. It’s been a great tool especially when I’m tired and hurting. It lets me clear the crap and find the bubble of hope I still carry for the future, even when I’ve been feeling at my lowest.
Lately I find I’m left with sadness for the loss of someone I loved, wistfulness for what might have been and hope for happiness in the future. It was an eye opener to learn that it’s possible to feel both sad and happy at the same time. That it’s okay to feel both.
Where the break up is concerned, I go around in circles a lot in my mind. I seem to go over the same ground over and over again. Frustrating as hell. I don’t play the ‘what if’ or ‘if only’ games. It’s the uncertainty I was left with… Did he or didn’t he love me? Was I just a game to him? If so, was I always? Remember the kitten post? In later years I was given uncertainty… was she put down or wasn’t she? Both scenarios were possible. Either one could be true. I’ll never know for certain. Yeah, I’ve added dealing with uncertainty to the therapy list.
Chris asked me once in 2009 if I could believe he was such a low life scum bag (or similar) to be playing me. I had doubts back then. You see, I had found out he’d lied to me. Was it a big lie? No, not really. I didn’t think it big enough to make a deal out of. Not to mention that I would avoid conflict like the plague. Rather than talk to him about it, I decided, that maybe embarrassment was at the heart of it. As I said it wasn’t a big lie. But, in a way it never went away. The problem was, honesty was part of the base of the relationship I began with him, the Him that I fell in love with. I needed honesty. He promised me honesty. He even told me that he could see I needed him to be an open book, so I could really learn to trust. He used to go to extreme lengths to give me that security… and then inch it out of my reach later. So I doubted him, but at the same time I felt he had feelings for me. Even then, uncertainty was a bitch.
Of course I doubted myself as well. You see I honestly believe that we each create our own reality, in that our life is a mirror of what is inside us. In other words we will attract into our life what we think we deserve, or what we have created within ourselves. That has been the crunch for me… what was inside me?
After my son’s father and the long isolation I punished myself with (yet to be written about in any detail), I really thought that I had earned something better. So, doubts or not, I believed that Chris was this something better and all I had to do was trust. Sure, I understand now that the beliefs I had about myself hadn’t really changed at all, they’d just been pushed aside. The only thing that had changed was that I wanted better, but I still didn’t believe that I deserved better.
I don’t think Chris was the low life scum bag that he once asked me about. I honestly don’t believe that. I don’t think I’ll ever know the truth of what happened, since I’ve been left to doubt everything… him, me and the relationship. I just know that lies can end up building on lies. So that first lie, added to other things, mixed with his treatment of me towards the end and at the end… I can’t help it, there is nothing left for me to believe in.
Yet, even now, saying that, I still doubt. Uncertainty. Such a bitch.