I was thinking earlier today about dreams. Not the sleeping kind of dreams, but the dreams we carry of the future.
I have a butterfly hanging from the rear vision mirror of my car and below it hangs a small oval plaque with the word Dreams on it. I bought it in late 2009 when I first began to believe that dreams really do come true. Yes, while I was with Chris.
My thoughts turned to dreams because at therapy yesterday we talked about the direction my therapy was taking and where we would end up going. We’ve been working through a lot of things with my life and we’d spoken about connection and how humans need the connection of another. I agree, we do. She ended with… “…and then we’ll find you a man to share your life with“.
Woah! Panic! I’m a teapot! I’m a teapot! Okay, slight exageration, but it was real panic I felt with my first response… “NO! NEVER!”
Whew. That’s some fear I felt. She dropped it and I relaxed again, but the moment has stuck with me.
Now the strange thing about my reaction yesterday was that during the last almost two months since the break up, I have had times when I felt bringing a man into my life one day is possible. Kind of a dry way of describing it, I know. But, the certainty I felt at times that there is a man out there for me, yet to be met has stayed with me. The belief that I won’t remain alone for ever. To love and be loved. You know. All that crap.
The panic I felt at therapy made me realise… Hmm, I have doubts. Understatement. I don’t really believe it right now. The dreams are dead, or at least hibernating.
Okay, I realise it’s still less than 2 months since the break up, so still early days really. Still grieving? At least I’m aware of my thoughts where men are concerned.