Ugh! I’ve been doing some decluttering. I love the theory of getting rid of a lot of the crap that I’ve been accumulating and carrying around with me for so many years. I just had no idea what it would be like this time around. Seriously, it’s like ripping off parts of myself. It seems like everything I do these days has to connect to my emotional state of mind. You see, I couldn’t help thinking about how we get so attached to the things we surround ourselves with.
I knew someone quite a few years ago who would ask questions like… do you need 20 blankets? Isn’t it better to keep a spare and give the rest away to someone who can use them now? I didn’t have 20 blankets. I don’t have 20 now either. The question was more about how much do we keep because inside we believe… there’s never enough! and how that belief then carries over into our lives.
He wanted me to see it’s better to declutter, simplify and believe… there’s always enough! When we can believe that, we are better able to attract what we need into our lives… when we need it.
It’s a state of mind. I never got that far to accept that belief. I ran away and withdrew. Of course. It was during my long isolation. I understood the theory and in my heart of hearts wanted to Be That… but couldn’t let myself.
Okay. I’m not claiming that I believe it now, but I am getting there. I might never live a minimalist life, even so I do know I’m letting go of a lot.
The decluttering is showing, yet again, that there’s been no continuity in my life. The time, like the story, is fractured in my mind.
For example, I have Hobbytex paints being thrown out that I purchased as a teenager. Over 20 years ago??!! I’ve had trouble grasping the truth that I’ve dragged this hobby around for over 20 years… including a cross-country move and I haven’t used them since I did live in Canberra over 20 years ago!
That’s been one of my biggest shocks with this decluttering. Where did the time go? Has so much time really passed? It honestly doesn’t feel like so much time.
I couldn’t even understand why things like these paints survived previous purges. Until I thought about it… the paints once brought me happiness, so I kept them, packed them carefully with every move.
On the other hand almost every finished drawing I did prior to 1991 was left behind and lost when R and I broke up. Oh wait, one drawing. That was framed. I left that hanging on the wall when I left my son’s father. I did find a few of my old sketchbooks, so not all was lost.
Didn’t the drawings bring me happiness? Yes. They did. They were also more about who I was inside. A little of ourselves always enters things like that. Not surprising that they were lost and not things like the paints.
Shocks aside, the biggest obstacle… letting go of attachments. I have a box of coffee mugs in the garage. They’ve sat in the garage for the last 4 years. We haven’t needed them. They weren’t needed in our last home of over 10 years, although they did live in the kitchen there. So why do I still have them? I can tell you the story of every single one. When or why a mug was purchased, who gave which mug when as a gift, even little stories of their usage. Every Single Mug In That Box! It’s time they go.
Hobby paints and coffee mugs. Two examples. Kept so long as reminders of happiness because I always believed… there’s never enough… happiness! That’s something I couldn’t understand from what Noshir was trying to help me see back then. I get it now. Happiness, safety, security, love… how many feelings do we attach to the things we collect to ourselves? Decluttering almost becomes a journey in itself.
It has become another difficult part of the journey I’ve undertaken, especially with the feelings I have now when I relive memories. There’s no rushing this part either. Even though it might feel like I’m tearing myself apart into tiny little pieces, I do feel lighter with every box that goes.
Lighter and more Free.