Putting it somewhere.

I’m going to put this all out there. It needs to go somewhere.

I’m afraid. I know it was the only good choice left to me, but I’m afraid now. Very afraid. I’m second guessing myself. I’ve spoken before in part about my son’s girlfriend. She’s troubled. Understatement. I let go of her issues earlier this month. The responsibility for her. She then said she wanted to find the way to change.

She doesn’t want to change. She likes the chaos she creates in her life. The chaos she creates in my son’s life. The chaos she tries to create in my life. The ex who was the recipient of all her anger earlier? She now contacts him as a friend… when she fights with V. This month she has driven away all my son’s friends. They will no longer visit while she is here.

My son has begun cutting again. We had this under control. Between his friends and myself he felt he was receiving enough support. He no longer felt out of control. He felt he had direction in his life again. The urge to hurt himself was gone. The friends aren’t here anymore. I’m now the recipient of her anger and disappointment in life. He felt he couldn’t come to me while her anger is directed at me.

She’s killing my son. That’s what it feels like.

Like. She’s. Killing. Him.

The more chaos she creates around herself, around him, the less he can cope. It’s almost like she thrives on this chaos. Like she gets power from having this effect on the lives around her.

She left in the middle of the night saying she wouldn’t be back. She sent him a message asking if she should walk out into traffic or should she wait so he can watch. shakes head. He told me he had begun cutting again. He told me he wants to begin therapy. He doesn’t want to hurt himself. He told me he can’t cope anymore, but he doesn’t want to let go of her.

Three hours ago I told my son she needs to go. She needs to go back to Sydney and get help. I told him she needs to want to get help. She needs to want to change.

I told him she doesn’t want to change. I also told him I can’t live with her.

My son told me he understands what I mean. He sees she needs help. He understands that he can’t help her, but he still doesn’t want to let her go.

You see. The ex-boyfriend? Let’s call him M in this post. He was my son’s best friend. They had already fallen out. J approached my son while she was still dating M. It was during this time that my son began cutting himself. The ‘falling out’ escalated. My son supported her when M almost drove her to suicide.  Hmm, if I’m remembering correctly, something about J making friends with the enemy, or M seeing someone else. Sigh. My son feels responsible for her well-being. He said her approaching him was dumb luck. Yeah right. Turning to the enemy of your boyfriend? Kind of sounds like what she’s doing now, doesn’t it?

I don’t hate her. I feel for the life she’s had. My concerns are selfish. For my son’s state of mind. For my own state of mind. I can’t help her and I can’t watch what she’s doing to my son.

Now I’m afraid. I’ve told him I won’t live with her, that she has to go home. He’s gone to talk to her. She’ll have him under her spell again. She won’t change. She does this every time. Drives him over the edge, then begs forgiveness and promises change. Will she go back to Sydney? Or will they move out alone? I’m afraid she’ll drive him to kill himself if they do. They shouldn’t be together, but I can’t tell them that.

Yes. I’m afraid for my son. And yes. I’m terrified I’ve made a mistake.

There’s no ultimatum. There never was. It’s final. I won’t live with her. I’m afraid. I also know it will be as it’s meant to be. I know the future is bright. Strange to feel frightened and hopeful at the same time. Did I make a mistake? Sigh. Doubts. Second guessing. Lack of sleep doesn’t help. Does she have a Mari Sleep Sensor? Mari hasn’t had enough sleep… time to go off about something.

Edit: Having put this out, and spent a couple of hours driving around, I understand now why I feel so strongly about living with her. Tiptoeing around moods, putting up with silences and pointed verbal jabs. It feels like I’m living with another version of my mother. Shakes head. Understood. Not going to happen. I haven’t fought this hard to break away from my parents to throw myself into the same situation with someone else.


One thought on “Putting it somewhere.

  1. Pingback: Putting it out there update « Randomly Mari

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