Putting it out there update

I posted a rant and decision about my son’s girlfriend the other day. Yes, I know it was a rant. I admit it. I could still do with another rant. Or two. Ouch. I’m angry and frustrated again, which I’ll work on once I update the situation here a little.

My son attended his first therapy session this morning *smiles* I’m proud of him. He wanted to begin therapy, as he wants to be stronger and be able to support himself without resorting to negative activities like cutting. Especially as she is making it impossible difficult for him to turn to anyone who used to help him. The only issue… She couldn’t even let him attend therapy alone! I felt like screaming in the middle of the waiting area… WTF! Can’t you even let him have therapy??!! Something has to be about him!! with a few extra choice expletives thrown in. Yeah, I was pretty stunned. I didn’t say anything. I walked outside to breath.

She has a session with a different therapist next week. I’d like to feel good about this. But. They both seemed to think my not wanting to live with her was some kind of ultimatum… get therapy or go home. It wasn’t an ultimatum. I don’t want to live with her. Besides. An ultimatum? With the way I feel about ultimatums? Yeah, right *rolls eyes* I have no idea how she feels about going to therapy. I suspect she feels forced to go, which will work wonders… not. So, not surprising I don’t feel good about it *shakes head*

My heart almost broke last night. My son cried in my arms that he didn’t want to live away from me and he doesn’t want her to go home. We clung to each other and we both cried our hearts out. Seeing my son in so much pain, I wanted to… relent. I can’t. I can’t live with her. I tried to let him know… he’s not losing me if he moves out with her. I’m not sure if he understood.

I woke up this morning feeling… surprisingly good. I sat outside to drink my morning coffee. There was a slight breeze, the sun wasn’t too hot yet. I stretched to the sun. I breathed. It was a wonderful feeling. Yes, I had a good sleep last night. I like good sleep. I even dreamed. I don’t remember anything beyond a memory of a peaceful, plant filled courtyard and a cup of coffee in a lilac mug. Yay, coffee! LOL!

Afterwards I checked my fb, twitter, mails, etc and felt like deleting it all. All of it. Skype, blog, the lot. There was nothing online that had upset me, but that’s not how the compulsion to withdraw works. I feel overloaded and the way I used to deal with overload is… withdraw from people and distract myself from my problems. Isolate myself.

No, I’m not going to run and hide. It’s why I posted on here the other day. It’s why I keep posting. Good thing I have here to get it out, lol. No extra guilt about overloading friends, even though I am talking about my state of mind more with friends now. I have to remind myself that I don’t feel it’s an imposition when they unload to me, so most of my friends would feel the same way. No more going silent. No more locking the words inside.

The compulsion to withdraw is a reaction. A behaviour I learned when I was young. So that thought about deleting everything? Just a thought. Habit. I was gentle with myself… reminded myself that there is a better way. Isolation isn’t the answer. It’s better to deal with things as they happen. Connection is better than disconnection. I was proud of myself.

Oooo… No writing errors were found. << doesn’t happen often enough. LOL. I want to keep hitting the spell check to see it! 😛

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