Shh… Fear!

Back again! Whew! The journey continues from here. Finally I begin to make sense of why I put myself into a long self-imposed isolation. This part has been intriguing to write, as I was having trouble with words. Fog type troubles. My initial draft was filled with ??? as my mind struggled with catching the words. I had to take a long break before continuing. Seems here begins the most difficult part of my journey to relive and understand…

So, 1992 rolled around. I was pregnant, living with my parents and began to battle the depression I was sliding into. I turned to my five brothers, my real brother and four of his friends who used to look out for me in Canberra. I would visit them in Sydney or Canberra. I also became friends again with R, his girlfriend (yes, the former neighbour) and their friends as well as reconnecting with some of the friends that I began to turn my back on while with S. There were a few rough patches such as this one and the first one described on the 29th…

My emotional state seemed to teeter on the edge a lot of the time, but I had attracted to myself several caring support networks through friends old and new. Looking back it really should have been enough. I should never have felt the need to withdraw into isolation.

Emotionally I swung wildly until the end of my pregnancy. The last couple of months I was… happy. Physically I bloomed. An easy pregnancy, minimal weight gain. I was an active, healthy pregnant woman. If we could ignore the tears that seemed to burst out of my eyes every time I sat down with my doctor. I think it was habit by then. LOL!

After my son was born, things were looking up. My mood blossomed. Until S rang. Asking about his two month old son. Ouch. I had already decided that I wasn’t going to be one of those bitter mothers who would hold the child to ransom against the child’s father. I only had one condition. He had to be committed. He needed to be consistent. I told him it didn’t matter if he made the effort weekly or monthly, but if he was to become a part of V’s life then he was going to have to be consistent. He understood my concerns and agreed to them. We spoke a few more times over the next couple of weeks… then he disappeared for almost two years. The disappearance threw me. I began to question and doubt myself again. I began to get jittery. I began to feel… fear.

R’s mother visited him bringing me the contact details of one of my oldest friends in Canberra. N of the bacon and eggs and to die for roast lamb and the happy post the other week. We’d lost contact before R and I moved to Queensland. N wasn’t sure if I would contact her, but felt it meant something that R’s mother had moved into a flat next to her. When she heard that R’s mother was visiting Queensland she asked her to give R the contact details in case he was in contact with me.

The fear wouldn’t go away. I began to pull away from R and his friends. I argued with his girlfriend and her sister. I began to withdraw from my brothers. I spent less time with my friends locally. I couldn’t talk to anyone about what was going on inside me, the fear that S had created in me by his contact and disappearance. I had made contact with N, but the contact was sporadic. It ends up we were both single mothers, her son born the year before mine. The situations were similar and I still couldn’t talk about my fears. She was engaged and struggling with a very difficult relationship with her ex while trying to maintain a relationship between him and their son. She was living my fears and I couldn’t talk about them even with her. I could touch on them, kind of. I could talk about the situation, but I couldn’t explain the fear.

I visited N in Canberra. After I came home the unthinkable happened. Her fiance died in an accident. To be honest, this whole period is very hazy in my memories so I’m not certain of the timing. A while later her ex attempted to take their son, punching her in the attempt. He took off for Queensland to avoid further trouble.  It was a terrible time for N and I’m only just realising now what effect this had on my state of mind, with the fear I was carrying.

Okay, there are so many things I’m leaving out, but I think the main story is here. When I started working on this part of the story earlier in the month, I was drowning in the remembered fear. It explains the fog-like reaction I was having. I feel it again now to some degree as I tidy up. Since I’ve been working on my stress reactions the wash of adrenaline is very noticeable. My whole skin was prickling, lol. The fear is in context for me now. It’s Not Now. Understanding. Shh. It might be obvious to you, but I’ve been avoiding understanding for many years. I need to let it move past the walls of avoidance that I always put in place… and become a part of me. More of this coming soon.


Image: nattavut /


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