I took a computer to my tech guys today. They’re gone. The business was sold last year, so new name, new look. I knew that, but the techies were still there… so all good. Now my tech guys are gone. I remember the former owner installing new memory into a computer back in the early 90s for the price of a couple of packs of smokes. At that time he was working out of a storage shed next door to where the current business is. That’s how long my history with this particular business is. Now it’s over. New name, new look, new people. It’s not the same business anymore. I’ll give them a go, but it’s…
Yet one more change in my life. A small change, really only a tiny blip on the radar, but I’m not coping well with all the changes in my life right now. There needs to be something consistent that I can hold on to, doesn’t there? It feels like everything I’m used to is being taken away from me.
My son is no longer the boy he was. He’s rebelling against his old life. That’s good. I want to see him get out on his own and make his own decisions in life. But, it’s not his decisions that he’s making. He’s making the decisions that she suggests to him. I’d have no problems with that if the decisions were based on common sense and improving his life. Instead those decisions include abusing friends, former friends now, because she doesn’t like the way they treated her, or that they didn’t agree with her that I’m the worst waste of space to walk on this planet… that’s the type of decisions he’s making. The relationship will need to run its course. I accept that. I accept the changes in my son and his relationship with her. While he’s here I’m trying to spend extra time with him. He was fine with that. As I told him… once he’s back in Sydney I probably won’t get to talk to him much. She’s told him that I’m trying to stop him moving to Sydney, so now he doesn’t want to spend the time with me.
I miss my son.
I spoke about therapy on the 18th and how I needed to make sure she has the full picture, that I needed to let her know I’m not doing as well as I’d like her to think. I saw her last Wednesday and told her how I felt I’d been floundering and about the bad days I’d been having.
Result? Nothing. She reiterated that I have good common sense and lack confidence. That she finds me an interesting case… it doesn’t matter what life has thrown at me, how far I fall, I always pick myself up and keep going. Now I won’t be seeing her until after I move. She said that we can’t really move onto the next stages until I do move, so I need to keep working on the things I am working on now and if I feel I’m not coping to ring her in between.
Changes. I can’t control any of what is happening in my life. I know that. I’m still stepping forward into my life. It’s just I can’t help feeling abandoned again. I keep telling myself the only thing I can do is accept the changes and look for the opportunities in them. That doesn’t make it any less of a struggle.