I joined #reverb10 last December thinking I might learn something about myself and that this knowledge would prepare me for the new year. What I learned was that I was pretty screwed up. Alright, I already knew that. Anyway, every day a writing prompt was given and I attempted to dig inside myself for answers. Not always so easy, but I had made the inner commitment to respond to each prompt and respond I did.
In the end the experience was a gift as it made me look inside and… talk about it. Sure I rebelled at times. I couldn’t answer some prompts and some… silence might have been a better choice. Even so, I entered 2011 wanting to continue looking within and writing about what I found. It was the key to unlocking my words.
In January there was a treat from the reverb10 team and I posted to a prompt they sent out on twitter asking whether we were focused on our word from the 1st December prompt. Oooo, a prompt??!! I was thrilled, even though it took me weeks to finally answer.
The other day a new treat arrived in the form of an email from the newly named #reverb11 team. They have asked…
One month into 2011, what question(s) are you living? Are there any prompts/questions that arose during #reverb10 that are still resonating in your life? Are you living new questions?
I’ve found that certain things I touched on back in December have been a focus so far this year. One has been fear. Why do I fear living? I don’t mean living as in breathing, but living, enjoying and stepping into life.
Although self-esteem, my view of my own worthiness to live, has a lot to do with this, certain kinds of situations have always brought a big dose of fear running through me.
The Shh… posts I did were a search for understanding why I isolated myself so much. Fear. It grew over the years and I would put myself into situations that would enforce the beliefs I had about life. Those situations justified my fear in my own mind. The posts showed me that fear ruled my life… and I would do what I could to avoid changing it.
Prior to writing this I went back and read all my reverb10 posts and the most interesting thing I found was that I didn’t really talk about the fear. I found it mentioned in the 11 things prompt. Let’s call it an almost avoidance, lol.
So, the main questions I’m living now is about getting rid of fear. How do I rid my life of this fear that has controlled me for so long? How do I take control again? How do I live my life? Understanding my past helps, but insight alone isn’t the answer. Action needs to follow insight. The initial steps have been taken, changes are being made to my life and the journey within continues.