Damn fear! Stop driving!

Sometimes it just looks dangerous.It’s far to easy to let fear stop me from living, as in stepping out and extending myself into my life.

Sometimes it really looks like something bad will happen, but it doesn’t mean it will. PK in the photo didn’t fall off the tank, or fall into it and the fish was pretty oblivious to the danger he was in. It all worked out.

Looking back through my photos I wondered… can’t we all be like kittens at times? Oblivious to the dangers and giving something a go anyway? Trusting in life?

My last post was about my son and whether I should let go or not. Again. I did let go when I decided I wouldn’t be sucked into his girlfriend’s Vortex of Chaos anymore… and wouldn’t live with her.

You see, I could have decided… I’ll live with them anyway. I could have justified it in my mind… V needs the support, I can help settle things down. I could you know. I’d calm things down and they’d talk and all would be well again. But this isn’t what she wants. Hmm, I should say this isn’t what her illness wants. It wants chaos and for everyone to hurt as much as she does. I made the choice to step back and let go of her behaviour, to get on with my own life instead of getting stuck in hers. I chose a life without someone else’s Chaos.

Now my son wants to go to Sydney to be with her. The last three months should have shown them that they aren’t in any position emotionally to live together. She’s convinced him that things will be different… without me around. They will be different. My son will have no one to turn to, no one to listen to him when she’s in one of her fits. How will he cope? He’ll learn real quick or fall over even faster. That scares me.

Fear.

I always justify doing things because of fear. How much of this fear is genuinely about him and how much is about me grabbing onto a reason to not live my life. Telling myself that I need to help him live his. I need to live my life. He needs to live his life. It looks bad, real bad, but it doesn’t mean the worst will happen.

Letting go hurts. Trusting hurts. I feel like I’m running against the current of my life by letting go of that control. Yes, I have control issues. Not the kind where I need to control everything, but it’s more that I don’t want to be in control. I don’t want to be in the driving seat of my life. Fear’s been the one driving for most of my life. I’m working through my thoughts and feelings on control. Yes, there is a draft on it, which will show up one day.

My son needs to live his life and make his own choices. At times they’ll be the right choices, at times they’ll be mistakes. His path. His life. Still, it’s hard to do. As parents we’re not here to live our kids lives for them. We’re here to support them and let them live their own lives.

Trust.

… and time to let this subject drop for a while 😀

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s