I still have trouble with meditation, so I’ve taken to using day-dreaming, well, attempting to use it, as part of my anti-depression toolbox. Happy thoughts set off chemical reactions, blah, blah, blah, which blah, blah, making me feel better, or at least stopping me feeling worse. So, for me day-dreams are one tool I use for ‘creation of happy thoughts’. Hey, I never promised to be really informative, especially when it’s spelled out so much better elsewhere already 😀
I know there are risks especially if I’m already feeling low, as it can lead to me thinking… damn, my life really does suck! and if I’m not careful I can spiral into the whole self-hate and abusive thought cycle instead of the ‘happy thought cycle’ that it’s meant to bring.
Knowing the risk, there are some days I won’t use it. The risk on those days is too great by my estimation. On other days it helps. If my thoughts are running towards the negative I can take time out from my twisted head space and escape to somewhere better. I don’t have to begin the long slow verbal battle of… Well, really, Mari, that’s an interesting thought, but you aren’t that bad, you do deserve some happiness, etc, ad nauseam for hours on end. That stuff gets real tiring, real fast at times.
Escapism can help. It’s like putting the proverbial sock in the brewing negative thoughts. Escape the thoughts and let something pleasant get a foot into the ol’ grey matter. Day-dreaming works in much the same way as watching or reading something funny or pleasant. The difference is, what’s going on is created within my own mind. That’s where I’ve found it tricky.
Usually I think of places I know, or places I’d like to visit and imagine being there. Not much different to some meditations. I imagine the people, the interactions, the things I do, see, taste, feel. I let myself loose in that place. There’s nothing wrong with being alone, so at times I let myself be alone. Usually there are always people to interact with. That’s natural (and a good sign with me), as we’re wired to want to connect to other people. The nice thing about day-dreams is that the interactions are usually always pleasant and helpful… and if they’re not, I can rewind and run it again. Nice bonus.
I realised that there was never any romance in my day-dreams. Well, okay, I’ve been umming and ahhing about this since my reaction at therapy the other week about having a man in my life. So I finally decided to introduce a romantic interest into one of my little escapades.
I thought… intent. If I can do this in my mind, I can do this in real life. Don’t jump to conclusions, I hadn’t fooled myself into thinking I’m anywhere near ready for a man in my life. I figured I can see where I am in my head about this and begin to… prepare.
Sigh. No prizes if you’ve already guessed this romantic experiment didn’t go well. It kind of works, right until that moment that He, whoever He is, is meant to love me. It seems I can’t believe it, even in a day-dream! I try to steer it back on track, rewind and rerun and… nothing. I’m kind of fucked when I can’t believe a man can love me even in my head. I’m really fucked when even in a day-dream I think all I deserve is to be hurt and abused.
So. I still have some way to go. No men and day-dreams will have to remain romance free for a while longer. Even so, the day-dreaming is still a good tool. Visiting somewhere like the Monarch Butterfly reserve in Mexico? Amazing! Even if it is just in my own head!