For too long I’ve existed. As I said the other day I have trouble looking ahead. I wouldn’t. I stopped dreaming of what I want. Goals became almost non-existent. Wanting almost impossible. I’ve wanted lots of things during my life, but I’ve never really wanted those things. Hang in there, if you’re real lucky, that sentence will make sense by the end.
With self-esteem that was almost non-existent, admitting to wanting something good, working towards something wanted… it was a set-up for me to fail.
I want to be happy… I don’t deserve to be happy.
I want fun in my life… something always goes wrong.
I want love in my life… no one can love me.
I want… I don’t deserve.
Those words are the base of the internal messages that I face when I think of the future, the programming that I’m working on changing. Slowly, but surely, the messages are being rewritten. There are signs of success, like wanting to live near the water.
In the past I could say I want something, or would like something, but I never believed I deserved it, not really. If I couldn’t have what I want, then I would stop wanting it. Almost sounds like reverse psychology, but of course, that’s not how life works. Over time it became easier to stop wanting or admitting to wanting anything.
Last week I began a dream journal. Not for sleep type dreams, but those dreams of the future. You know, when you picture what you’d like in your life? I began one. It wasn’t easy to begin, to paste in the first pictures, to write the first words. It was like trying to swim during a blue-bottle inundation. You can’t help knowing you’re doing something risky and it doesn’t matter how careful you are, you never know when one is going to float past you leaving a fiery trail of pain with it.
I persisted. Each time I felt the first flash of pain, I would stop… letting go of past messages of pain and welcoming a new future. It was an empowering feeling, letting the words I wrote echo through the emptiness of my mind. Reaching moments in time when those past programs didn’t play as I wanted and desired for the future. As I welcomed a brighter future to my now.
This is new for me and I’d like more of that. Really.
I chose a journal instead of some kind of wall hanging, or poster, as that would be too difficult for me to have staring down at me. Besides feeling so very public. My ability to dream is too shaky to survive the stresses of what would feel like public viewing.
I’m meant to look through the journal daily, adding to it regularly. I haven’t looked at it in days as I’ve been struggling the last week or two. Even while I struggle I smile as I remember that feeling of empowerment.
I’m becoming very used to the duality of my feelings.