Insight Junkies get high on that Ah-ha! moment when they unlock yet another mystery from deep within the murky depths of their own minds, then they beg to look for Just! One! More! The one typing this is sadly an Insight Junkie. Recovering! Definitely a recovering Insight Junkie!
And don’t give me the But, but the quest for understanding has to be good for us! routine. That routine can take a flying leap as far as I’m concerned and I’ve one thing to say… Shut up and Chill out!
Ahh, is that silence? Much better. Now that you’re listening…
As part of my healing I’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand why I behave in certain ways. I’ve also spent as much time wondering how much knowing, or trying to know helps. Okay, I know it can help, but there are times I think it all gets in the way of being, which is kind of the point of my healing. Isn’t it? Just being?
Insight helps. Knowing why helped with the whole sleep battle thing I have, when I’m exhausted and won’t go to bed. Once I could see it as a behaviour I could change, then I could choose to behave differently. Understanding why let me decide on the best way to talk myself into going to bed. I now remind myself that connection is better than disconnection and all that jazz.
Most of my behaviours are the same. Until a new way of behaving becomes natural, I talk myself into change. The ol’ inner dialogue can go over and over the same issues day after day.
Anyone who does this daily knows it gets tiring. Going out and doing something, or daydreaming, or grabbing whatever little tool from the magic tool box is going to distract me, help me feel better and then I can start listening to myself again. But seriously, sometimes the last thing I feel like doing is… doing something. I get tired of always feeling like I have to Do something. As soon as I feel like that I ask… What am I avoiding?! Why?!
In the 80s I belonged to a therapy group for agoraphobics and as I’ve said before Canberra gets cold when it rains. Real. Cold. All of us in the group would say the same thing to ourselves on cold days when we didn’t want to go out… Avoidance. Yep, it’s a cold, rainy, Winter day in Canberra, so we must be avoiding going out for the usual fear, not because it’s Freezing Cold! I really do believe that the only people out walking their dogs and trying to smile on those days were agoraphobics. We felt we HAD to. We questioned our thoughts… Yuck! Look at the weather! Do we want to stay home because it’s warm or safe?
I remember the therapist saying to me once… it’s okay to curl up under the blankets on a cold and rainy day if that’s what you feel like doing. It doesn’t have to mean anything more than it’s cold and rainy and you want to stay warm and dry.
Anyway, I’ve derailed my train of thought here. All the questioning that I do in my search for answers, questioning my thoughts and feelings, even questioning my questions has given me a new problem…
The Insight Junkie suffering an overdose.
I finally ask… Who the hell am I? Behind all the behaviours… Who is hiding there?
Fine, I want to know who I am, I’m sure we all do that at times, then I begin to think about the really life-changing stuff…
Do I like chocolate ice cream because my parents were strawberry and vanilla people? I’ve always liked chocolate ice cream, but maybe I’d really love Vanilla? Or Coffee? Macadamia?
Believe me when I say, that’s not far off from being an over exaggeration. Which brings us back to telling my mind to…
Shut up and chill out!
Just be. So says the Insight Junkie.