Some change?
It was an interesting conversation I had with my friend N about… we have all the tools and the knowledge, so why do we rebel against changing? Although I know I’ve let fear control many of the choices I’ve made, I do still rebel against change.

We’d been talking about how at this age it seems we’re following old patterns of behaviour and there are no obvious, outward signs of change. Obviously, there are changes there, but I look back at different times during my isolation and my attempts to come out. And here I am at 41 years of age… seemingly trying to come out again?!

It made me think of the movie What Dreams May Come, with Robin Williams. Very long and a definite tear-jerker. Anyway, consider how she was stuck in the nightmares of her own creation and had no awareness of anything else. Stuck. I can’t help thinking how it parallels with my life, with where I get stuck. Sure there are differences, as I know what’s out there. I’m aware. I’m not oblivious to the nightmare I make of my existence. Yet, I’m still stuck. At least that’s what it feels like.

I was 23 when I had my son, and 26 when we moved into my safe haven. Mentally and emotionally I’m still stuck back there somewhere. I haven’t integrated enough of my past experiences during that time to have a steady timeline to now. I would overload and the time now only exists in fragments. I haven’t grown into a woman of 41. Instead I find myself here in 2011 a woman of 41. I don’t feel 41.

In some ways, I’m trying to grow up, or maybe catch up is a better way to put it, but then I think… isn’t it nice to feel younger?

Is it any wonder I can’t get the number of drafts down when my mind carries off into tangents like this? Anyway, back to the way I rebel against changing. Nah, forget it for today 😛

Joking. Half- joking. My mind is looking for distractions, so only half-joking. I unloaded at 750 words today for the first time in a week. As I typed there I realised that I haven’t been saying my affirmations. I feel like I’ve been floundering this week, but it’s not all failure. It’s day 5 of… yeah, that. Not sure what that is? You’ll have to look back two days ago to find out. Although I fell today, I’ll call it a little blip on the road to health and be back on it tomorrow.

I’m lacking… to be honest I’m not really sure what I’m lacking. Commitment? No, I’m still posting here everyday, I’m still talking to friends, I’m not being silent, so I haven’t let all commitments go. I think it comes down to feeling overloaded, so in some ways I’m trying to backtrack, go back in time a little to find a place of quiet.

I’m rebelling. I’m taking control of my life and I’m rebelling against this change. And trying to make excuses to make it acceptable. Can’t things go back to what they were before? I don’t really mean that. Not really.I’m needing to accept so many changes in my life… overload. Plain and simple.

Pfft. See? I still went off on another tangent in there as well. LOL!

In the end what it comes down to, is whatever I may be feeling right now, there’s one big change for everyone to see… I’m not going silent. I might be having trouble stringing two coherent  thoughts together right now, but it’s not silently. I’m making you all put up with it!


Image: Arvind Balaraman /


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