One of the last things my mother said to me before I left for Sydney was to ask me if I had my resume with me.
Hmm, huh? You know? Resume? When you apply for jobs?
Yeah, I know what a resume is and it’s on my flash drive, but, umm, why?
Something might take your fancy. You know what you’re like!
That conversation has been on my mind almost since I started driving south. Friend N asked if my mother had finally lost her mind. My brother laughed and wondered why she’d do that. Me? I think in her mind it would kill three birds with one stone. One, my brother has always complained that he has no family close by, except for his ex and his boys. Two, once my parents begin their travels I wouldn’t be left alone up in Queensland. And three, my son is in Sydney now, although the other side to where I’m staying.
I’ve never actually had any interest in living in Sydney. I’ve always enjoyed visiting, but live here? The thought of living here scares me half to death. It’s so Big. And seemingly randomly designed. Driving in Sydney is enough to send the anxiety levels sky-high, unless I know exactly where I’m going. My first drive in Sydney was commemorated with me reversing into a wall… and I hadn’t even left the carpark yet. Yep, my brother’s Patrol had a new dent, compliments of Mari. I did relax after that. It’s not as if I could do anything worse! You’d think I’d have lost my fear of driving in Sydney by now, considering how many times I’ve driven through the city in peak hour with the little truck, or the F250 with a trailer. Nope, stress still fills me every time.
I’m a Canberra girl at heart. Canberra is neat, tidy, organised… and small. We used to be able to drive from one end to the other in a little over an hour. Okay, not so small anymore, but it always had almost a small town mentality about it. People were friendly, once they knew you belonged, were local. Always polite, don’t get me wrong there, but for the nation’s capital it was small town, albeit pretty, with a lot of amenities. I know it’s changed a lot and many of my memories are still from way back. Geez, when I moved away from Canberra, Belconnen didn’t even have a McDonalds!
The coast was a couple of hours that way over the mountains. Shh, they’re mountains to us! The bush the other way. The snowy mountains within driving distance. Sydney with its myriad shops just a few hours away. Yes, Canberra still brings me that feeling of coming home every time I visit, although I can’t actually picture myself living there again.
So, my mother’s seed planting about the resume hasn’t had quite the outcome she probably hoped for. What it has done is make it clear to me that I have… choices. Lots of choices. I don’t have to stay on the Gold Coast, a place I’ve wanted to leave for years and couldn’t as my son didn’t want to leave his friends. Kind of ironic, really, considering all that’s happened.
Sydney is attractive, because my son is here. I can’t make a choice to live in a city because of my son, especially as he doesn’t want to see me. It is tempting though. Even though Canberra fills my heart with feelings of Home whenever I visit, the city isn’t home anymore. I’m not that girl anymore.
Here is my crossroads. I feel the crossroads deep inside, I have to make a decision about my future. I know that a decision isn’t carved in stone and where ever I do decide to go, even if it is to stay where I am, that I can move on later. But for now, I feel that change within already occurring… time to go.
But go where?
I have some thinking to do over the coming days. Do I reconsider Sydney and Canberra? And if not, then where? Or do I stay where I am? Definitely some thinking to do.