I lost my temper last night. And I mean I lost it! I even slammed my bedroom door at 2am I was so angry. I was so ashamed of myself afterwards.
So what if he can’t make the connection that “no YouTubing!” also means no web-camming with his girlfriend? So what if the second data pack I’ve had to purchase to top up my internet plan was half gone in 12 hours?
None of it matters in the scheme of things. He messed up the internet. Again. For the third time in a week. So what?
And so what if he doesn’t thank me for anything I do? And so what if he agrees with his girlfriend that I never do anything for him?
And does it matter if he didn’t apologise for messing up? Does it make a difference to anything that he posts all his thoughts on his Facebook instead of talking to me?
The low point of my tantrum… What’s wrong??!! Read about it on Facebook!! Nothing there?? Then nothing’s wrong!!
No. None of it actually matters.
And yes, I feel that today, that none of it matters… but last night? Yeah, last night it all mattered.
It’s a reminder I still have a way to go and what I need to work on next. And led to what has moved to the top of my list…
This morning I was thinking about what I’d like to do today and caught myself in the thought… I should take V out to Lunch. Ouch. Nah, you wouldn’t get why that thought was a slap in the face. You see, there’s lunch *smile* and there’s Lunch *guilt*
I remember things being really tight when he was little. The rent was paid, the bills were paid, there was food in the kitchen… it was just the basics and we were happy anyway. Then there was almost two months that my mother brought us bounty from heaven… groceries.
Lots. Of. Groceries.
All those yummy treat type things I couldn’t buy.
I remember telling my friend N about it at the time, that the trolley must have been overflowing in the supermarket and a trail of fallen groceries leading to her car. N’s response… Wow!! What’s she feeling guilty about?? Must have been big!! It’s a thought I’d already had when the first groceries arrived, but hadn’t spoken. Yes, my mother used to spend money on me when she felt guilty. I thanked her profusely every time, but by the end I was jumping at my own shadow and heaved a huge sigh of relief when the grocery bounty ended.
And today I caught myself thinking I should take my son out to Lunch. It’s not about spending some quality time with my son. It’s not about doing something fun. At the heart of it, it’s about thinking… I did wrong and I’m not enough.
I am enough. So instead, I’ll schedule this post, walk away from the computer and head out for some me time. Spend some time reminding myself that I am enough. Then maybe I’ll have lunch with my son tomorrow, that is if he’d like to do something fun with his mother. Not sure how In that is for an 18 year old.