I tried something different the other night for my anti-depression toolbox. I’ve spoken before about how I work through that negative Bitch in my head, that little voice that likes to point out my failures, how much I’m Not loved and that sort of fun stuff. I usually talk her around. Takes a while, but I get there. Sometimes I use daydreams and other things to lift my mood. It’s like riding a knife-edge at times, especially lately.
The weekend was pretty severe. My son really threw me some doozies… and that Bitch didn’t want to shut up. I’d get her quiet and think with relief… Whew! Silence! and she’d start-up again! Ugh!
So I went down the beach and gave myself 5 minutes. I sat in my car facing the water, looked in the mirror and gave that Bitch her voice. Wow! She had me in tears in less than 30 seconds. That’s years of practice for you. She’s damn good at what she does.
Anyway, I let her rip shreds off me, while I listened and watched myself cry in the mirror. The idea was that I would stop after 5 minutes. I never made it to 5 minutes.
After only a few minutes it came, a little voice in my head… That’s not true!
Bitch faltered, since she’s used to being the little voice, then kept going, ignoring the words.
Then it came again… Liar! You know none of that’s true!
Then praise to that little voice, she kept on talking right through Bitch’s tirade, telling her exactly what the Truth is.
The Bitch went silent.
Even three hours later as I prepared for bed there was blessed silence from her.
Two days later and she’s still silent. I’ve enjoyed not needing to tackle with her every day on top of everything else.
To give you an indication of the type of difference her being quiet has made… my brother rang me last night expecting to find me a mess with everything that’s happening. He’d just heard about the latest explosions. Instead of the blubbering mess he expected, he found his little sister sane, happy and joking with him about reincarnation. My brother so wants to come back as my cat next time around, even though he doesn’t actually believe in reincarnation! This was decided after we narrowed down the field and decided that Mystery was a Quantum physicist in his last life. This time he decided to come back cute, dumb and spoiled… but he can’t help looking at the world in strange ways in his not so bright way. ie upside down! Ugh, I’m so going to have to do a cat post one day to get it out of my system!
Back to the nasty, new tool… honestly, I really don’t want to do that too often. That was an extreme amount of emotional pain condensed into those few minutes. Afterwards, I was left raw, emotionally and physically. In fact it felt like my skin wanted to crawl right off… and that raw feeling didn’t pass until some time the next day.
But I think I needed that outpouring, to actually listen to the lies I tell myself… and give myself the chance to see them as lies in a condensed sitting like that. Lets call it turning the tables on the Bitch voice. Extreme, very Nasty, but totally worth the silence I’ve been enjoying for the last couple of days.