Last interruption. I promise! I mentioned a while ago that I was having problems with meditating. The block, whatever it was, seems to have gone finally. I’d reached a point where I could quiet my mind of the chatter. Always a nice feeling. By memory that change was around the time I changed the little voice I listen to. At least that’s when I could reach total chatter silence. Getting further than a quiet mind on my own was still a battle. Recorded meditations worked to some degree. It’s the meditation where you drift or work within that I’ve been having trouble with.
I think I understand what my issue was. I’d lost so much trust in everything, and even though I’ve come a long way in the last few months, that broken trust wouldn’t let go. Tonight that changed. When I came out over an hour later, which felt like half the time, I was amazed. Joyful. Peaceful.
I faced the main fears and emotions from my past that have been attaching to the things that have been going on. And now I have a bit of a mystery to solve…
When we make choices that lead to something bad happening, what happens when we block or detach from that person we were? Or integrate that person we were into our current self? Hmm, not sure if that explains what I’m left trying to understand.
Okay, throughout our life we change, going through different stages. At each life stage, do we integrate the person we were into the person we’re becoming? That would make sense that we do, or that we should do so. What happens when we think of that stage as traumatic, or we regret who we were, or what we did? If we can’t deal with what we did, or who we were, then I think the alternative is to lock that person away, detach from that person. So instead of changing and adapting, we’re pushing away the lessons, both good and bad. Maybe? This is my mystery tonight. My thoughts are still… swirling.
In my meditation I came face to face and integrated? with the woman who met and was with my son’s father. Yes, me. Or at least the woman I was back then.
Now later, I feel what I can only describe as a great big pile of… something in the pit of my stomach. I sit back and touch it with my mind, fear is there, as well as joy and laughter, other feelings too. Almost as though all those feelings from that time have come home to sit like a brick in my belly, waiting for me to work through them. Feelings. And memories. From S and for months before. I’m remembering people I had met, that I was becoming friends with. Remembering how I felt about life at that time. Remembering the woman I was becoming. The woman I forgot I was becoming.
Yep, that’s my mystery and I won’t solve it right here and now! But please, jump in if you have an answer!