The other shoe?

Between flooding my brother’s apartment, waiting for roadside assistance to install a new battery in the car (now, if they all looked like that and flirted so well, I’d be happy to break down more often!), time with my family and walking the steps of the Sydney Opera House, it’s been a good week here in Sydney.

The only shadow on my trip has been since I saw my son on Friday. It was only a few minutes as my ex-SIL and I delivered some more things to him, but it has affected me.

Since I arrived in Sydney I’d been sleeping 12 hrs a night. I know, 12 hours! Obviously I needed some catch up. Since Thursday night my sleep has gone back to random hours. There was nothing unexpected… 6 mails in 6 hrs after we left and hearing about the expected statements about “WTF?!”. They hurt, but it’s part of who he’s become. I keep serving up big slices of acceptance pie where communication with my son is concerned.

There’s no bitch voice to tell me how much I suck. What there is instead is a feeling of… waiting for the other shoe to drop. That fear inside that creates disaster in my mind when I should be enjoying this moment. This one moment that has so much to be grateful for. Instead of letting myself feel that feeling of ‘inner smiling’ as I sit out on the balcony enjoying the play of light on the plants my nephew brought my brother… in my mind I receive a phone call that something has happened to my son and to ‘stay away’.

I get that it’s my mind trying to protect myself from more pain by ‘being prepared’. In the long run it’s self-defeating. I need those moments, we all need those moments, to sustain us. We can’t block out the bad feelings without blocking out the good feelings too. And if we don’t have those moments of ‘joy’ to remember, to pull upon when we do have bad times, then it’s a whole lot worse than it needs to be.

So today, I’m grateful for the sunshine, my family and the navigator that will let me find my ex-SIL’s place without driving all over Sydney… and I’ll keep in mind something that came up on twitter when I checked it earlier… “Don’t think about the pain, feel the pain“, Deepak Chopra. Why that quote? I suspect there’s a bunch of avoidance being served out when I wait for the other shoe to drop, as it minimises or tries to make less the pain I already feel.

Off I go, hopefully this made sense!

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