At a crossroads

One of the last things my mother said to me before I left for Sydney was to ask me if I had my resume with me.

Hmm, huh? You know? Resume? When you apply for jobs?

Yeah, I know what a resume is and it’s on my flash drive, but, umm, why?

Something might take your fancy. You know what you’re like!

That conversation has been on my mind almost since I started driving south. Friend N asked if my mother had finally lost her mind. My brother laughed and wondered why she’d do that. Me? I think in her mind it would kill three birds with one stone. One, my brother has always complained that he has no family close by, except for his ex and his boys. Two, once my parents begin their travels I wouldn’t be left alone up in Queensland. And three, my son is in Sydney now, although the other side to where I’m staying.

I’ve never actually had any interest in living in Sydney. I’ve always enjoyed visiting, but live here? The thought of living here scares me half to death. It’s so Big. And seemingly randomly designed. Driving in Sydney is enough to send the anxiety levels sky-high, unless I know exactly where I’m going. My first drive in Sydney was commemorated with me reversing into a wall… and I hadn’t even left the carpark yet. Yep, my brother’s Patrol had a new dent, compliments of Mari. I did relax after that. It’s not as if I could do anything worse! You’d think I’d have lost my fear of driving in Sydney by now, considering how many times I’ve driven through the city in peak hour with the little truck, or the F250 with a trailer. Nope, stress still fills me every time.

I’m a Canberra girl at heart. Canberra is neat, tidy, organised… and small. We used to be able to drive from one end to the other in a little over an hour. Okay, not so small anymore, but it always had almost a small town mentality about it. People were friendly, once they knew you belonged, were local. Always polite, don’t get me wrong there, but for the nation’s capital it was small town, albeit pretty, with a lot of amenities. I know it’s changed a lot and many of my memories are still from way back. Geez, when I moved away from Canberra, Belconnen didn’t even have a McDonalds!

The coast was a couple of hours that way over the mountains. Shh, they’re mountains to us! The bush the other way. The snowy mountains within driving distance. Sydney with its myriad shops just a few hours away. Yes, Canberra still brings me that feeling of coming home every time I visit, although I can’t actually picture myself living there again.

So, my mother’s seed planting about the resume hasn’t had quite the outcome she probably hoped for. What it has done is make it clear to me that I have… choices. Lots of choices. I don’t have to stay on the Gold Coast, a place I’ve wanted to leave for years and couldn’t as my son didn’t want to leave his friends. Kind of ironic, really, considering all that’s happened.

Sydney is attractive, because my son is here. I can’t make a choice to live in a city because of my son, especially as he doesn’t want to see me. It is tempting though. Even though Canberra fills my heart with feelings of Home whenever I visit, the city isn’t home anymore. I’m not that girl anymore.

Here is my crossroads. I feel the crossroads deep inside, I have to make a decision about my future. I know that a decision isn’t carved in stone and where ever I do decide to go, even if it is to stay where I am, that I can move on later. But for now, I feel that change within already occurring… time to go.

But go where?

I have some thinking to do over the coming days. Do I reconsider Sydney and Canberra? And if not, then where? Or do I stay where I am? Definitely some thinking to do.

So fast!! Slow down already!!

It's not a race!
I’ve had so much running through my mind in the last few days and I was struggling with focus… how do I catch just one thought and focus? Which thought? Then it hit me. It’s not important.

DAMN IT!! SLOW DOWN ALREADY!! IT’S NOT A RACE!!

Is that silence?

Glorious!

So much better. Now where was I?

It amazes me how quickly my thinking is changing right now. Ways of thinking which seemed second nature years ago and I struggled with just days ago… falling into place as if it always was. Is this peace? The beginnings of peace?

But you know what? I struggle with making those decisions. I really do. I second guess myself. I question. I doubt. If I’m tired or down I get to a point where I don’t want to make a decision. That’s what was happening when Chris told me I always have to have my back to the wall before I act. I don’t want to make the wrong decision.

I don’t… live my life.

I put myself into stasis and refuse to move forward because I’m scared. Yes, I’m scared. Terrified. Of life?

I know why I’m scared. I just don’t know how to get rid of it. Insight. It helps. But it isn’t the solution. The solution is always action.

I’m rambling. This is one of those pieces that will sit in drafts and I’ll sift through it eventually.

I actually giggled as I read this in drafts earlier tonight… and it was only written two weeks ago. It’s been snipped and moved three times in that time. LOL! That at least gives me my thought to focus on today…

I’m not struggling with decisions now. Sure, I don’t know for certain where I’ll end up and exactly what I’ll be doing, but the thing I do know… One step forward is action. Action is energy and once the energy is flowing, it feeds on itself and grows leading to the next step. Then most importantly for my former fears, even if that first step is in the wrong direction, I’ll be nudged back on course.

.

Image: Susie B / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

On spirituality

Back on the path
Over the years I’ve lost touch with my spirituality. Mine was never a spirituality that belonged within the four walls of a church, with guidance read from pages. I am a child of The Universe, a being of light and love. My spirituality comes from all around us, from everything that connects us.

This I had forgotten within my Fog of Despair and the Chaos of fear driven choices in my life. Here I find myself again on the threshold of touching the world, of becoming an active and light filled member of The Universe again.

I pause right here as I’ve typed these words and consider their importance. They are important. I stopped listening years ago. I refused to be nudged any longer. I wanted peace from the Chaos of Fear, when the truth is the Chaos was my own stubborn refusal to step forward on my life path, to live my purpose. The words sound grandiose, but they are the simple truth.

Here I am in 2011 being nudged again. I’ve been feeling the nudge from the Universe for a while now and today… well, today I feel acceptance. It is a freeing feeling, to be ready to accept again.

I mentioned once in an earlier post that I had issues with organised religion. To be honest, I don’t. I have issues with extremism of any kind and with those with minds closed to anything or anyone that represents something different to themselves.

I remember studying with a number of people right through the 80s, 90s and into the 2000s. I studied with some lovely Jehovah’s Witnesses, both in Canberra and up here and I remember a pair of young Mormons, earnest in their beliefs. My son and I even spent some time with a Mormon family who lived around the corner from us. There was Noshir of the N mails/conversations who followed Vedantic philosophy. This I would have liked to take further. Unfortunately I never knew any Muslims, Jews or Budhists. Even so I used to read everything I could find that would cross my path.

I’ve had friends who were Wiccan, those who followed shamanistic principles. We had friends who believed in almost anything you could imagine.

Do you know what I found through my studies, reading and life experiences? Love. Yes, Simply Love. When you strip away the padding, at the heart of everything is… Love. This is where my spirituality was born. From opening my eyes and seeing that we all want to belong, we all want to love, we all want to connect. We are all children of The Universe even though we might follow this path in different ways.

This is important to touch this part of myself again. This part of me feels fresh and new, vulnerable in some ways.

On this path lays love, a different and open love to what I feel right now and I admit that this makes me nervous, brings that glimmer of fear that wants to grow, that wants to take control. The memory of past hurts. That’s alright. I’ll step onto my path again, but this time I’ll give myself time to heal from the years of damage my negativity and fear has caused me. Yes, damage that I caused to myself.

In this thought is freedom. This also is important.

.

Image: Evgeni Dinev / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Looking to the future

Dreams! That way!
For too long I’ve existed. As I said the other day I have trouble looking ahead. I wouldn’t. I stopped dreaming of what I want. Goals became almost non-existent. Wanting almost impossible. I’ve wanted lots of things during my life, but I’ve never really wanted those things. Hang in there, if you’re real lucky, that sentence will make sense by the end.

With self-esteem that was almost non-existent, admitting to wanting something good, working towards something wanted… it was a set-up for me to fail.

I want to be happy… I don’t deserve to be happy.

I want fun in my life… something always goes wrong.

I want love in my life… no one can love me.

I want… I don’t deserve.

Those words are the base of the internal messages that I face when I think of the future, the programming that I’m working on changing. Slowly, but surely, the messages are being rewritten. There are signs of success, like wanting to live near the water.

In the past I could say I want something, or would like something, but I never believed I deserved it, not really. If I couldn’t have what I want, then I would stop wanting it. Almost sounds like reverse psychology, but of course, that’s not how life works. Over time it became easier to stop wanting or admitting to wanting anything.

Last week I began a dream journal. Not for sleep type dreams, but those dreams of the future. You know, when you picture what you’d like in your life? I began one. It wasn’t easy to begin, to paste in the first pictures, to write the first words. It was like trying to swim during a blue-bottle inundation. You can’t help knowing you’re doing something risky and it doesn’t matter how careful you are, you never know when one is going to float past you leaving a fiery trail of pain with it.

I persisted. Each time I felt the first flash of pain, I would stop… letting go of past messages of pain and welcoming a new future. It was an empowering feeling, letting the words I wrote echo through the emptiness of my mind. Reaching moments in time when those past programs didn’t play as I wanted and desired for the future. As I welcomed a brighter future to my now.

This is new for me and I’d like more of that. Really.

I chose a journal instead of some kind of wall hanging, or poster, as that would be too difficult for me to have staring down at me. Besides feeling so very public. My ability to dream is too shaky to survive the stresses of what would feel like public viewing.

I’m meant to look through the journal daily, adding to it regularly. I haven’t looked at it in days as I’ve been struggling the last week or two. Even while I struggle I smile as I remember that feeling of empowerment.

I’m becoming very used to the duality of my feelings.

.

Image: Kenneth Cratty / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Lists! Lists! Lists!

todoOne list actually. Although you have to admit certain things always look better said three times, the word lists isn’t one of them. I reckon I have enough lists in my life. The list of tasks I have to work through, such as moving. The lists of things to go in my decluttering. Certain things are being taken to be sold, junked, or given to charity, but I really can’t be stuffed in this heat to make multiple trips back and forth, so I make lists and do one car load per week.

I have my daily action list. Yes, still going with that. At least I’ve been able to take having a shower off it. I can do that again without it being on the list. Things are looking up… and smelling better! Now that was probably TMI, but it’s the simple and sad truth at how things were for a while. The action plan has changed a little as well now. There’s certain types of things that have to be on it, such as I have to go out every morning! Yeah. Out. Okay, I’m not having panic attacks anymore and even with the stress around here with the situation with my son and his girlfriend, I’m feeling really good about life and the future. It’s about extending the action in certain directions. Outwards. Meeting people. Enough about that.

Having a look around over at One Life I found Jamie’s list for 2011… the things he wants to do this year. Now. Understand. This isn’t a Bucket List, which is a list of things to do before you die. I’m not overly keen on Bucket Lists. I’ve enjoyed following people who are actively taking care of their Bucket Lists one item at a time. It’s just. The name. Bucket list. Kind of puts it way out in the future. I suppose that it depends how it’s looked at. A state of mind. Some people will get out there and do these things. Others will only dream and put it off for another year.

There’s nothing wrong with having dreams, inviting abundance, thinking big and all that jazz. But day-to-day? It comes back to state of mind. Extend yourself, expand your mind. Just don’t create reasons to kick yourself. That’s why I don’t like Bucket Lists. For me personally. I’ve always been far too good at finding reasons to kick myself anyway.

Anyway, back to Jamie’s list. It’s a pretty damn big list if you look at it. Until you take a look at his 30 things list and realise… this guy really is going to go and do all that stuff this year! He’s a doer not a dreamer. That’s more than a little cool in my mind.

Being one of those poor lost souls who’d like coolness to rub off on her a little, I’ve decided to make a little list of things myself for this year. Well, admittedly, I came into 2011 with a few plans… moving, postaday2011, continuing my journey within (healing), celebrate my birthday this year and some almost local travel. The rest will mostly fit into the new lists I make. You know, getting… out there? Meeting people? Thought you’d see that connection as well.

So go ahead, take a look at my list, called Doing, which should show up… umm, ^up there^, next to about and tell me what you think *giggle* I’m starting small and I’ll add to the list as something achievable (achievable for me) takes my fancy.

.

Image: jscreationzs / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Free – Taking it forward

There was a tweet from the #reverb10 team on the 5th asking…

Hey #reverb10 folks – five days into 2011, are you focusing on what you wrote for the 12/1 one word prompt? How’s it going?

Oh yeah. Hmm, I wrote something about, umm, *blush* the word *takes a trip back to that post* free

One word. 2011. Free. Whew. This time next year, I really would love to look back over the year and think to myself that I’m Free. Free to feel. Free of the compulsion inside to hide. Free to be imperfect.

FreeAm I focused on it? Besides the little glitch in remembering the word and having to look it up, I think I am on a good start…

Free to feel… I’m letting myself feel everyday. Probably more importantly, I’m accepting that my feelings are okay. They’re a part of me. I may not like what I feel at times, but once I get past the gunk covering everything… feeling isn’t such a bad thing.

Free of the compulsion to hide… I’ve made certain commitments for this year, blogging every day, therapy, a certain number of ‘reaching out’ moments every week.

Free to be imperfect… I’m working on being more honest and open about where I am at any given time. If a bad day follows a good one, well so be it. That’s where I am at that time. I’m letting go of a lot of the frustration I feel with bad days and being willing to say… today sucks, I’m afraid, I’m confused, I’m sad, I’m happy… as well as why. I’m not perfect and I’m working on being open about that. I’ve also been compiling a list of things I want to take part in this year, things I’ve put off or not done in a while because of fear, of not wanting to be, hmm, well vulnerable.

Free… The depression is a symptom of my thought processes, of stress. My new worst enemy is adrenaline… I’ll talk about that another day. Between therapy, my action lists, growing inside, getting involved in life again as well as healing the damage within, I can see myself being free. Free to be me.

.

Image: Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

#reverb10 – Travel

December 22 – Travel. How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? (Author: Tara Hunt)

Travel? I flew to Canberra for a funeral and for a tribunal this year. Yep, that’s about it. LOL. Hmmm, okay I can’t really remember any other travel. Not sure if we want to count the kind of travel you do inside. Wink.

If we do, then in no particular order, I took a number of jumps into the pits of despair, floated eerily in a foggy hell or two, swam for a loving safe harbour, flew high in a euphoric fantasy… all before tripping over my own fragile sanity into a rockin’ roller coaster ride in time for Christmas. Nod.

Actually, seems it was kind of a busy year for travel, but I think next year I’ll give the roller coaster a miss and stick to some sunnier and less rocky destinations *giggle* Other than that, I am twitching to visit some places I’ve never been to before. I only have to travel a few hours north or west and I’m in new territory. Makes it sound achievable even on my tight budget.

{Future Tool: New Year’s Goal Questions for No-Goals Creatives from Jeffrey Davis. For the next 10 days as you round out your year, we’ll share one tool each day to help you plan your year ahead.}