#reverb11 – What’s blossoming?

The reverb crew asks us this month… What’s blossoming?

What’s blossoming? It’s autumn here in Australia and I’m sitting in Sydney trying really hard not to freeze my ass off. Seriously, I’m showing my soft Queensland acclimatised body in its bluest light… and it’s not even winter yet. So whose bright idea was it to come here when the weather is turning cold instead of when it’s warming up? Alright, that’s kind of obvious *blush* I’ve even searched my brother’s apartment… not a heater to be found anywhere! I try hard not to think of the two heaters I have sitting in the garage in Queensland.

I could say that the only things blossoming are poorly thought out ideas. That and my cold toes in bed and my cold nose in the early hours of the morning. Oh, and that mist that pours out of my mouth when I’m outside at night. Those fluffy socks that were very warm in Queensland are not going to cut it down here.

Anyway, back to what’s really blossoming… Ideas and change. Poorly thought out on the surface, the lack of over planning fills me with anticipation of the unknown in this change. All I know right now is I’m sitting on my brother’s couch, in his unheated apartment, somewhere in Sydney, during Autumn… and I’m loving it.

The rest is unknown. My heart fills with the possibilities. My head scrambles to catch up, scrambles to let the anxiety go, scrambles to let the possibilities take shape.

Ideas and change. Choices. The unknown. Possibilities. Adventure.

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Change and Sydney

This will shoot through from the future into today, which isn’t so bad, since it’s Tuesday for most people now anyway. You lot have finally caught up! Wednesday is looking great by the way,  just in case you want a little note from the future. Just remember to take some time out for yourselves and you’ll be well on your way to having a great day.

Now that I’ve confused myself trying to confuse all of you… I’m suffering from thought block, or thought seizures might be a better description. There’s a lot going on, just most of it inside. Change does that to me at times. Okay, most of the time. I’ve begun applying for jobs in Sydney. Yes, Sydney. I never pictured myself living here and I’ll need to head back to Queensland sometime in the next week or so, at least to swap cars.

Although I know I wouldn’t do well in a small town, I think of myself as a small town girl. Albeit one with a larger outlook on life and it’s myriad twists and turns. And here I am about to take a leap into living in a big city. Well, Sydney is big to us Aussies! What brought this change about Sydney? A reminder that what you want life to be like, or at least how you see it will play a big part of how your life is. Or in this case… how my life is.

My brother’s first flat in Sydney was in Bondi Junction. It was a fourth floor walk up and about a 20 minute drive to his work. Actually, it was the day we looked at this apartment that I dented his Patrol. He was newly married, his wife still overseas waiting for permission to enter the country again. We went flat hunting, found it, rented a truck on the weekend and drove down to Wollongong to collect their furniture out of storage.

Fourth floor. That was a lot of stairs. Emptying the truck. Yeah. I remember that. The flat had a balcony and that was what we both fell in love with. I went out and bought some miniature roses as a house-warming gift. That and a cane tray so my brother could serve his new wife breakfast in bed when she finally arrived. Well, this was their first home together as newlyweds and it was all very romantic in my eyes.

Even though everyone heaved a huge sigh of relief when they moved a year later as we all hated those stairs, the joy and memories once inside that door have remained with all of us. And yes, my brother did serve breakfast in bed, more than once. Often with a miniature rose in a little cup as decoration.

Life can be what you see it as. Since beginning my thinking about where I want to live I’ve had talks with the pest control guy that was doing a termite inspection on the flats, the road service guy, okay, that was a lot of flirting, my ex-SIL, my brother and even my mother. The outcome is that I have begun applying for jobs, here in Sydney.

Change. There’s anxiety in this decision. I thought to myself the other day… what if I don’t fit in? Seriously, I did! Then I remembered… I only need to fit into my own life. Yep, that’s all I had to remember.

And as I hit publish on this post, I watch a pair of lorikeets through the window having their afternoon discussion on the balcony rail. So pretty.

At a crossroads

One of the last things my mother said to me before I left for Sydney was to ask me if I had my resume with me.

Hmm, huh? You know? Resume? When you apply for jobs?

Yeah, I know what a resume is and it’s on my flash drive, but, umm, why?

Something might take your fancy. You know what you’re like!

That conversation has been on my mind almost since I started driving south. Friend N asked if my mother had finally lost her mind. My brother laughed and wondered why she’d do that. Me? I think in her mind it would kill three birds with one stone. One, my brother has always complained that he has no family close by, except for his ex and his boys. Two, once my parents begin their travels I wouldn’t be left alone up in Queensland. And three, my son is in Sydney now, although the other side to where I’m staying.

I’ve never actually had any interest in living in Sydney. I’ve always enjoyed visiting, but live here? The thought of living here scares me half to death. It’s so Big. And seemingly randomly designed. Driving in Sydney is enough to send the anxiety levels sky-high, unless I know exactly where I’m going. My first drive in Sydney was commemorated with me reversing into a wall… and I hadn’t even left the carpark yet. Yep, my brother’s Patrol had a new dent, compliments of Mari. I did relax after that. It’s not as if I could do anything worse! You’d think I’d have lost my fear of driving in Sydney by now, considering how many times I’ve driven through the city in peak hour with the little truck, or the F250 with a trailer. Nope, stress still fills me every time.

I’m a Canberra girl at heart. Canberra is neat, tidy, organised… and small. We used to be able to drive from one end to the other in a little over an hour. Okay, not so small anymore, but it always had almost a small town mentality about it. People were friendly, once they knew you belonged, were local. Always polite, don’t get me wrong there, but for the nation’s capital it was small town, albeit pretty, with a lot of amenities. I know it’s changed a lot and many of my memories are still from way back. Geez, when I moved away from Canberra, Belconnen didn’t even have a McDonalds!

The coast was a couple of hours that way over the mountains. Shh, they’re mountains to us! The bush the other way. The snowy mountains within driving distance. Sydney with its myriad shops just a few hours away. Yes, Canberra still brings me that feeling of coming home every time I visit, although I can’t actually picture myself living there again.

So, my mother’s seed planting about the resume hasn’t had quite the outcome she probably hoped for. What it has done is make it clear to me that I have… choices. Lots of choices. I don’t have to stay on the Gold Coast, a place I’ve wanted to leave for years and couldn’t as my son didn’t want to leave his friends. Kind of ironic, really, considering all that’s happened.

Sydney is attractive, because my son is here. I can’t make a choice to live in a city because of my son, especially as he doesn’t want to see me. It is tempting though. Even though Canberra fills my heart with feelings of Home whenever I visit, the city isn’t home anymore. I’m not that girl anymore.

Here is my crossroads. I feel the crossroads deep inside, I have to make a decision about my future. I know that a decision isn’t carved in stone and where ever I do decide to go, even if it is to stay where I am, that I can move on later. But for now, I feel that change within already occurring… time to go.

But go where?

I have some thinking to do over the coming days. Do I reconsider Sydney and Canberra? And if not, then where? Or do I stay where I am? Definitely some thinking to do.

Seed of peace planted within

Peace!
Interupting my scheduled posts. Yeah, yeah, rah, rah, so shoot me! Anyway, things have gone kind of crazy around here. Well, they’re as crazy as I see them would be more truthful. The weekend finally ended and I mistakenly thought… Whew, some peace at last! Then I was hit with a major bombshell yesterday and almost went into a tailspin. I won’t write about specifics, which isn’t me being silent, or locking the words away. I’ve been talking about what’s going on. It’s just that I don’t feel I can write about what is happening until I can process it all.

Yesterday as I opened my mouth to shout… No more!! Why does more crap have to pile on the crap I’m already dealing with??!! I stopped and listened and understood that my view on what peace means is so up the creek without a paddle wrong, that I was stunned silent.

At a soul level I always knew, it’s just taken me a while to really understand and to feel the knowledge become a part of me… the knowledge that I had it wrong that is *rolls eyes*

That’s all well and good, but how does that help me find peace?

I went to the library today and during my hunt for something new to read, in which I open up books to random pages and read to see how it resonates, I found this…

Many of us seek peace, and by “peace” we ordinarily mean either to be at peace with ourselves or to reach some state of equilibrium in which we are not overly affected by life’s trials and tribulations. Some people try to achieve peace by cultivating an inner state of non-attachment where the vicissitudes of life do not affect one’s equanimity. When we want peace what we are actually asking for is a removal from what’s bothering us. We think peace is a life without problems, but that’s unreal. Problems are challenges, and challenge is the motor of evolution. Life without them would be a dull thing, as it is through meeting problems that most growth occurs. And that of course is a moment-to-moment thing because what I am is a living being, a changing, flowing being. The problem is not that there are problems; it is that I do not respond to them completely. What real peace is – which has nothing to do with any ideas one has about peace, which is not a turning away from life – is action without conflict. To move in the world without the residues that conflict brings is to move freely, to be at peace. But how do I do it? How do I manage this in a world of incredible tension, extraordinary violence, and seemingly endless sorrows? In this world of demands and fantastic desires, how does peace come?

For this to occur I must not only be more aware of the world I inhabit, I must see myself with more clarity. How can I see the world through a dirty lens? I cannot actually see another human being in relationship unless I know the vehicle that is seeing – in short, unless I am more aware of myself and how I work. Although such seeings do not occur in time, they are cumulative over time and can result in a self-understanding that is freer from self-judgement, bringing more peace with myself and my nature. When the problems of living are met totally and creatively so that one is free to move on to the next challenge, there is peace. I am not presenting a constantly available state of freedom. Clearly in a world so full of conflict it is not possible to be free of it all the time. Freedom is not a possession one can own but a momentum that one can participate in.

The Passionate Mind Revisited: Expanding Personal and Social Awareness by Joel Kramer and Diana Alstad

Peace is inside us. Things happen. Good and Bad things happen. This seems to be a recurring message all over the place lately. Things happen and we can’t control them, we can’t change them. All we can do is change how we see ourselves and how we process what happens. Even though I’m not there yet, the seed of peace has been planted.

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Image: Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Clearing the energy

Incense
Oooo, I’m scheduling a post for the first time in days. Party on everyone!! Two more and I’m free until Saturday. I probably won’t make it online on Thursday at all and I’ll be tired on Friday. Have I mentioned lately I love scheduling? I’m keeping to my postaday2011 commitment *smiles*

Anyway, as I began walking around the house today clearing the negative energy I became attuned to the energy within the house, consciously attuned, rather than the reacting to it I was doing. The negative energy was thick throughout the house, except in 3 places that I went to step into and my foot stopped in midair of its own volition. I had to say a prayer before I could continue. That’s big. I’m not a big one for prayer.

Anyway, three places. The love corner of the lounge… if you’re into Feng Shui. That’s where the sofa bed is that my son and his girlfriend spent most nights during the hottest part of the summer. My son’s bedroom… that’s an obvious one. My skin crawled there. And one place that I couldn’t quite understand… the main toilet. Yes, the toilet. I really don’t understand why that accumulated what can only be described as sludge thick energy.

I went through every room, every cupboard with my 3 sticks of incense, finally leaving them to burn out in my son’s room. Why incense sticks? It’s all I had available. Besides, all change begins with intention and I’m letting go of false thoughts of perfectionism, so intention is what counted most.

Can I say… Wowser! What a difference?! I emptied, cleaned and reorganised the furniture in 2 hours. TWO!! It feels like I’ve been working in that room almost constantly for days and barely made a dent… and now it was all done in two hours once the negative energy was cleared.

That’s the kind of reminder it’s nice to get that thoughts are energy and this energy effects our lives in more ways than the obvious.

On the weekend I’ll do something about the little hate letters I’ve found scattered around the place. I’m not really sure why I’m waiting for the weekend, except that it feels right to do so. Okay, I shouldn’t really call them hate letters. Let’s change that to non-love letters.

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Image: samurai / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Change?

Some change?
It was an interesting conversation I had with my friend N about… we have all the tools and the knowledge, so why do we rebel against changing? Although I know I’ve let fear control many of the choices I’ve made, I do still rebel against change.

We’d been talking about how at this age it seems we’re following old patterns of behaviour and there are no obvious, outward signs of change. Obviously, there are changes there, but I look back at different times during my isolation and my attempts to come out. And here I am at 41 years of age… seemingly trying to come out again?!

It made me think of the movie What Dreams May Come, with Robin Williams. Very long and a definite tear-jerker. Anyway, consider how she was stuck in the nightmares of her own creation and had no awareness of anything else. Stuck. I can’t help thinking how it parallels with my life, with where I get stuck. Sure there are differences, as I know what’s out there. I’m aware. I’m not oblivious to the nightmare I make of my existence. Yet, I’m still stuck. At least that’s what it feels like.

I was 23 when I had my son, and 26 when we moved into my safe haven. Mentally and emotionally I’m still stuck back there somewhere. I haven’t integrated enough of my past experiences during that time to have a steady timeline to now. I would overload and the time now only exists in fragments. I haven’t grown into a woman of 41. Instead I find myself here in 2011 a woman of 41. I don’t feel 41.

In some ways, I’m trying to grow up, or maybe catch up is a better way to put it, but then I think… isn’t it nice to feel younger?

Is it any wonder I can’t get the number of drafts down when my mind carries off into tangents like this? Anyway, back to the way I rebel against changing. Nah, forget it for today 😛

Joking. Half- joking. My mind is looking for distractions, so only half-joking. I unloaded at 750 words today for the first time in a week. As I typed there I realised that I haven’t been saying my affirmations. I feel like I’ve been floundering this week, but it’s not all failure. It’s day 5 of… yeah, that. Not sure what that is? You’ll have to look back two days ago to find out. Although I fell today, I’ll call it a little blip on the road to health and be back on it tomorrow.

I’m lacking… to be honest I’m not really sure what I’m lacking. Commitment? No, I’m still posting here everyday, I’m still talking to friends, I’m not being silent, so I haven’t let all commitments go. I think it comes down to feeling overloaded, so in some ways I’m trying to backtrack, go back in time a little to find a place of quiet.

I’m rebelling. I’m taking control of my life and I’m rebelling against this change. And trying to make excuses to make it acceptable. Can’t things go back to what they were before? I don’t really mean that. Not really.I’m needing to accept so many changes in my life… overload. Plain and simple.

Pfft. See? I still went off on another tangent in there as well. LOL!

In the end what it comes down to, is whatever I may be feeling right now, there’s one big change for everyone to see… I’m not going silent. I might be having trouble stringing two coherent  thoughts together right now, but it’s not silently. I’m making you all put up with it!

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Image: Arvind Balaraman / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Looking to the future

Dreams! That way!
For too long I’ve existed. As I said the other day I have trouble looking ahead. I wouldn’t. I stopped dreaming of what I want. Goals became almost non-existent. Wanting almost impossible. I’ve wanted lots of things during my life, but I’ve never really wanted those things. Hang in there, if you’re real lucky, that sentence will make sense by the end.

With self-esteem that was almost non-existent, admitting to wanting something good, working towards something wanted… it was a set-up for me to fail.

I want to be happy… I don’t deserve to be happy.

I want fun in my life… something always goes wrong.

I want love in my life… no one can love me.

I want… I don’t deserve.

Those words are the base of the internal messages that I face when I think of the future, the programming that I’m working on changing. Slowly, but surely, the messages are being rewritten. There are signs of success, like wanting to live near the water.

In the past I could say I want something, or would like something, but I never believed I deserved it, not really. If I couldn’t have what I want, then I would stop wanting it. Almost sounds like reverse psychology, but of course, that’s not how life works. Over time it became easier to stop wanting or admitting to wanting anything.

Last week I began a dream journal. Not for sleep type dreams, but those dreams of the future. You know, when you picture what you’d like in your life? I began one. It wasn’t easy to begin, to paste in the first pictures, to write the first words. It was like trying to swim during a blue-bottle inundation. You can’t help knowing you’re doing something risky and it doesn’t matter how careful you are, you never know when one is going to float past you leaving a fiery trail of pain with it.

I persisted. Each time I felt the first flash of pain, I would stop… letting go of past messages of pain and welcoming a new future. It was an empowering feeling, letting the words I wrote echo through the emptiness of my mind. Reaching moments in time when those past programs didn’t play as I wanted and desired for the future. As I welcomed a brighter future to my now.

This is new for me and I’d like more of that. Really.

I chose a journal instead of some kind of wall hanging, or poster, as that would be too difficult for me to have staring down at me. Besides feeling so very public. My ability to dream is too shaky to survive the stresses of what would feel like public viewing.

I’m meant to look through the journal daily, adding to it regularly. I haven’t looked at it in days as I’ve been struggling the last week or two. Even while I struggle I smile as I remember that feeling of empowerment.

I’m becoming very used to the duality of my feelings.

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Image: Kenneth Cratty / FreeDigitalPhotos.net