That headache…

I woke up with a headache this morning. Not just any kind of headache, one that tells me a migraine is coming. It’s been a while since I’ve had one of those.

Sometimes when I have things to do, okay usually, I’ll take a couple of tablets and see if that’s enough to deal with it. That only works in the early stages. I searched and couldn’t find any headache tablets here, so rather than buy some I thought I’d follow it and see where it came from.

You see, migraines don’t threaten me for no reason, I know they’re usually stress related. It was a mystery to me, as I don’t really feel stressed. At least that’s what I told myself. I tried to spend the day listening to my thoughts.

Sure there was an email from my son last night before I went to sleep, a standard, anger filled missive. Anger sent back with love and polite reply sent. Job interview tomorrow. I’m okay with that. Trip to Queensland this week to swap cars and collect some warmer clothes, paperwork, etc. Mmmm, woolen socks. My toes can barely wait. Work on the weekend in Brisbane. That’s always fun. Enrollment for a course I want to do… but what if I enrol at that campus and can’t find work or somewhere to live nearby? Two tyres for my car… Has my car been serviced as promised by my father? Will he pressure me make reasonable requests for me to stay in Queensland longer? Will I be paid for work on the weekend?  Oh. I see. What if I can’t get back to Sydney?

It was interesting to watch the different reactions in my body to my thoughts. To feel the shoulders tighten, twitches here and there, the belly goes acidic, nausea kicks in, headache worsens. The last thoughts were enough to send the pain in my head skyrocketing. That was when the headache reached the point I had to vomit.

After that the headache came and went. Thankfully, it never reached migraine stage. I knew what was at the heart of it.

Every time I felt the pain returning I’d take a deep breath and remind myself that the fears are based on events from the past. I’m not that person who would have been pressured to stay anymore. The fears are groundless and have no place in the present. Worst case scenario… I won’t be paid on the weekend and I’ll need to borrow some money or wait a week. Even that’s not the end of the world.

Even though I do understand that the rest will take care of itself, the uncertainty of my situation is a little harder to shake completely. Work, study, home… the three will come together as they’re meant to. I know that, just wish I could really know it.