A day of finding what’s lost

Some days I’m left wondering why I’m trying to catch my breath. Today was one of those days. Not a bad day by any means, just not a great day and I felt it. It was a day with a growing sense of unease.

Letting myself dwell on this feeling I begin to understand my routines are missing, those routines of healing that have gotten me through the last months. I arrived in Sydney shell-shocked with all that had happened with my son. Within days I felt expansion, the excitement of possibilities. Then I began to drift. That was when my routines fell apart.

I’m sleeping better, even going to sleep earlier. The problem is that I’m waiting to go to sleep when I’m exhausted, too tired to do any of my pre-sleep relaxation routines or meditation. Sleep already??!! Yay!! That’s about as far as my thoughts have gone concerning my sleep habits until tonight.

I began to listen to the chatter of my mind. Most of the chatter is positive. That’s what lulled me the most. There’s no bitch voice, nothing to set off alarm bells. Only little surprises such as I had last night when I walked into the room and questioned why I was there.

I try to listen to the thoughts beyond the chatter and there seems to be a lot of chatter. A lot. And I’ve been ignoring it all. I haven’t been releasing the chatter, as my visits to 750 words have become sporadic. Releasing the chatter there lets me focus on the deeper thoughts and would let me avoid the scattered thoughts of the last week.

My routine of healing has been missing. The relaxation exercises, meditations, the releasing of chatter on 750 words, the affirmations, mantras, the moments of silencing my mind. All missing.

That’s about to change.

Feeling out of place

I had a great time in Canberra. Lots of laughs. Lots of food. Lots of alcohol. Oh wait, I didn’t drink. Well, no one drank  a lot. It was great to see friend N who I haven’t seen for around 3 years. When I arrived we threw ourselves into each other’s arms, so there were tears as well.

I’m really glad I went. Well worth killing the fuel budget for!

Getting back to my brother’s flat and I felt… out of place. I was tired and felt like crying. I lay down and slept for a few hours. Waking up I felt better. Still a little down and after spending a little time thinking about how I feel, I came to the conclusion…

The feelings are being brought up from the past. Combine that with the lack of permanency in my life right now. Understandable that I could feel a little out of place. A little of me that was coming face to face to the me that I’m becoming with no real knowledge of me  now. And through all of that… I miss my son.

Time for some more sleep.

The other shoe?

Between flooding my brother’s apartment, waiting for roadside assistance to install a new battery in the car (now, if they all looked like that and flirted so well, I’d be happy to break down more often!), time with my family and walking the steps of the Sydney Opera House, it’s been a good week here in Sydney.

The only shadow on my trip has been since I saw my son on Friday. It was only a few minutes as my ex-SIL and I delivered some more things to him, but it has affected me.

Since I arrived in Sydney I’d been sleeping 12 hrs a night. I know, 12 hours! Obviously I needed some catch up. Since Thursday night my sleep has gone back to random hours. There was nothing unexpected… 6 mails in 6 hrs after we left and hearing about the expected statements about “WTF?!”. They hurt, but it’s part of who he’s become. I keep serving up big slices of acceptance pie where communication with my son is concerned.

There’s no bitch voice to tell me how much I suck. What there is instead is a feeling of… waiting for the other shoe to drop. That fear inside that creates disaster in my mind when I should be enjoying this moment. This one moment that has so much to be grateful for. Instead of letting myself feel that feeling of ‘inner smiling’ as I sit out on the balcony enjoying the play of light on the plants my nephew brought my brother… in my mind I receive a phone call that something has happened to my son and to ‘stay away’.

I get that it’s my mind trying to protect myself from more pain by ‘being prepared’. In the long run it’s self-defeating. I need those moments, we all need those moments, to sustain us. We can’t block out the bad feelings without blocking out the good feelings too. And if we don’t have those moments of ‘joy’ to remember, to pull upon when we do have bad times, then it’s a whole lot worse than it needs to be.

So today, I’m grateful for the sunshine, my family and the navigator that will let me find my ex-SIL’s place without driving all over Sydney… and I’ll keep in mind something that came up on twitter when I checked it earlier… “Don’t think about the pain, feel the pain“, Deepak Chopra. Why that quote? I suspect there’s a bunch of avoidance being served out when I wait for the other shoe to drop, as it minimises or tries to make less the pain I already feel.

Off I go, hopefully this made sense!

And in Sydney

*smiles* In Sydney and the laptop started up. I always wonder when I shut it down if it’s for the last time. My tech guys, who are no longer there, had said they didn’t want to repair anything else on it. As it is, it barely charges, so is constantly on power and has a separate little monitor attached since the screen died a year ago. She’s been hanging on for years now 😀

I’m exhausted. I drove until 3am, tried to sleep, gave it up around 6am and finished the drive. I love long drives. I always feel free, even if I do have somewhere to be. My friend N in country Victoria spent a good hour today trying to convince me to drive there, since I’m kind of half way there now anyway. Tempting, but I’m looking forward to this time with my brother. He and his ex-wife spent a few hours last night trying to remember the last time I’d been to Sydney for a ‘holiday’. For the last five years, I was here for events or just passing through. Nice to stop awhile this time. My older nephew told me I’m mad wanting to come to Sydney to do… touristy stuff! Teenagers, hahaha.

I logged on today and was moved to tears from the support in comments, emails and even twitter mails. It isn’t that I’d put out of my mind what I’d posted and scheduled before I left. It’s… I was on the road and I was free. Quick someone find a career where I can drive around randomly long distance… in a car not a truck. I used to hate driving trucks. No, not big trucks, little trucks, the type you drive on a normal licence. Part of my last job had me driving the little company truck to exhibitions. I hated that truck! Fully loaded… 80km/hr top speed, down hill with the wind behind me. Not many places on the highway that gave me that… loooong, slooooow, trips. I’m far too impatient by nature for that.

Anyway, this song is perfect for how I’m feeling *smiles*

Gyroscope – Baby, I’m Gettin’ Better

The nights are hardest

Yep, give this one a miss as well. As this posts I’ll be on the road, driving to Sydney to spend some time with my brother. I need some brother love in my life right now.

I’m finding the nights hardest right now. The bed has become my enemy and I tire of the war. Bed always wins. I’m always tired. Curled up in the darkness, in my own bed, I’m supposed to be resting, sleeping. I do sleep. Yet I wake only hours later my face, my pillow, wet with tears. I get up, turn on the light, look in the mirror and see the same story. Red, swollen eyes. Very Red and Very Swollen. That’s not just a few tears that does that. I woke with eyes like that after my cousin’s funeral. And couldn’t understand everyone’s concern, until I saw a mirror. You fool no one with eyes like that.

I don’t know what I hate more… the bed or the mirror.

I go to the fridge and pull out ‘the stuff’ and apply it around my eyes. It helps with the swelling. Next time I wake there won’t be tears. Next time I wake there will be barely any swelling and the redness will be gone. Next time I wake I’ll be able to smile.

I haven’t fooled anyone. I’m being sent on a ‘holiday’. To Sydney. To spend time with my brother. They think I’m “a little depressed”. Hmm, “a little depressed”? Maybe, a little, anyway.

It’s only at night that I cry. I can smile when the sun is shining. Crying while I sleep is easier.

It’s like my heart breaking, over and over and over again. I lay down and I feel it break, on the phone, out on the balcony, sitting here. At the beach crying, it splintered into a million pieces. Over and over. It doesn’t stop.

How much pain must I feel? How much pain before my heart really does break and stop beating? Is that possible?

There’s no bitch voice, no emotion pointed outwards, no memories, nothing except the pain of heartbreak.

I tell myself to feel it, that feeling this is good. The words taste like lies.

I wish I knew why I feel like this. Wouldn’t that make it easier? It’s heartbreak and it hurts. I thought I’d stopped telling myself things weren’t easy. Didn’t I?

All I can do is wait for the pain to stop and acceptance to take hold. This is grief. I can be happy for him and hope the best for them both… and still feel the loss of him. One day the pain will say enough and let go of me, or maybe I have that wrong and I have to say enough. I can’t think about that right now.

The days are easier. And tomorrow I’ll be with my brother.

Energy everywhere!

Explosion imminent
I was feeling devastated this morning. Absolutely devastated. No other word to describe what I was feeling… Devastation. Why? There’s nothing any different going on, besides packing my son’s things. And I’ve been doing that for days. There’s been the expected memories and sadness, but this morning was different. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I wanted to cry, scream and rant at the world.

I wondered at my thoughts, spent time listening to what was going on in my head. Besides this urge to scream and rant… nothing different. Love, sadness, good memories, the future.

I went out for a while in the hopes of clearing my head. An almost instant change. That sadness mixed with love that I’ve been feeling the last day or two was all I felt. Where did the devastation go? Why didn’t I want to scream at the world? Believe me, it was a huge relief to not be feeling that way, since it’s not my way to do things. It’s just… why did I earlier? And not then?

A few hours later driving home and my thoughts began to turn to the next stage of packing. Then that little voice piped up in my head. The good voice I’ve been listening to that is… Oi! Slow One! Energy?! Remember energy?!

The lightbulb went off… “It’s the energy in the room!!” I shouted excitedly at the other cars. How embarrassing. Not that I shouted it out, but at the feeling of eyes rolling At Me in my Own Head! Lol, I can be a bit slow at times. The answer was there all the time. I’ve talked about energy the last weeks… often. Someone even mentioned energy to me yesterday. It’s in the books I’ve been reading. Yep, a bit slow at times.

Meant only one thing… time to clear the house and especially my son’s bedroom of negative energy.

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Image: graur razvan ionut / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Public beaches. Sigh.

Love the ocean!Stepping down on to the sand, she wiggled her toes, feeling the grains slipping across her feet before she continued to the lagoon, the water sparkling from reflected lights in the distance. Each step brought the silent squelching sound up her body from sand displaced, the grains still warm from the day’s sun. She stopped where the dry sand turned to wet and looked around carefully in the darkness to see if she was still alone.

Undoing one button at a time, she took a deep breath of the salt laden air as she let her dress slide down to pool around her feet. She removed the clip from her hair, shaking her head, the tresses tumbling down her back, tickling her senses as strands were caught by the breeze.

She closed her eyes and took it all in, the sound of small waves breaking only meters away from her, the sound of larger waves crashing along the shore in the distance, taking in that tangy, clean smell of the water. Taking a deep breath she felt it slide deep through her body, calling to her. Another breath, deeper. Deeper again. Her urge, to breath the whole world in.

The breeze whispered along her skin raising goosebumps and she shivered softly before opening her eyes and stepping towards the water. The water felt cool, invigorating, alive somehow as it wrapped itself around her feet, then her legs, her thighs as she walked deeper. She dove under the water, bubbles following her through the water as she let the water embrace her. Reaching the surface again she turned and floated on her back, letting herself drift as the tide willed.

The water cradled her, the breeze washing along her wet, exposed skin as she floated. She watched the clouds as the first rain drops fell. Just a few drops. Cold, heavy and clean in a different way to the water that held her.

She turned and dipped under the water again, bubbles rushing along her bare skin again, tickling sensations. Pushing for the ground she reached it, twisted and pushed her way up, breaking through the surface in imitation of a dolphin, joy filling her heart before sliding back through into that quiet other world, diving deep again to caress the sand.

Drifting back to the surface she considered the moment as her head crossed the threshold from quiet embrace to a world of sound and light. She turned, looking back towards the sand, at the darker patch outlining her clothes and began to swim back in a slow, steady rhythm.

Sigh. I so wish that beach wasn’t so public, or you’d know what I would have been doing!

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Image: Dynamite Imagery / FreeDigitalPhotos.net