#reverb11 – Questions?

I joined #reverb10 last December thinking I might learn something about myself and that this knowledge would prepare me for the new year. What I learned was that I was pretty screwed up. Alright, I already knew that. Anyway, every day a writing prompt was given and I attempted to dig inside myself for answers. Not always so easy, but I had made the inner commitment to respond to each prompt and respond I did.

In the end the experience was a gift as it made me look inside and… talk about it. Sure I rebelled at times. I couldn’t answer some prompts and some… silence might have been a better choice. Even so, I entered 2011 wanting to continue looking within and writing about what I found. It was the key to unlocking my words.

In January there was a treat from the reverb10 team and I posted to a prompt they sent out on twitter asking whether we were focused on our word from the 1st December prompt. Oooo, a prompt??!! I was thrilled, even though it took me weeks to finally answer.

The other day a new treat arrived in the form of an email from the newly named #reverb11 team. They have asked…

One month into 2011, what question(s) are you living? Are there any prompts/questions that arose during #reverb10 that are still resonating in your life? Are you living new questions?

I’ve found that certain things I touched on back in December have been a focus so far this year. One has been fear. Why do I fear living? I don’t mean living as in breathing, but living, enjoying and stepping into life.

Although self-esteem, my view of my own worthiness to live, has a lot to do with this, certain kinds of situations have always brought a big dose of fear running through me.

The Shh… posts I did were a search for understanding why I isolated myself so much. Fear. It grew over the years and I would put myself into situations that would enforce the beliefs I had about life. Those situations justified my fear in my own mind. The posts showed me that fear ruled my life… and I would do what I could to avoid changing it.

Prior to writing this I went back and read all my reverb10 posts and the most interesting thing I found was that I didn’t really talk about the fear. I found it mentioned in the 11 things prompt. Let’s call it an almost avoidance, lol.

So, the main questions I’m living now is about getting rid of fear. How do I rid my life of this fear that has controlled me for so long? How do I take control again? How do I live my life? Understanding my past helps, but insight alone isn’t the answer. Action needs to follow insight. The initial steps have been taken, changes are being made to my life and the journey within continues.

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Image: renjith krishnan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Free – Taking it forward

There was a tweet from the #reverb10 team on the 5th asking…

Hey #reverb10 folks – five days into 2011, are you focusing on what you wrote for the 12/1 one word prompt? How’s it going?

Oh yeah. Hmm, I wrote something about, umm, *blush* the word *takes a trip back to that post* free

One word. 2011. Free. Whew. This time next year, I really would love to look back over the year and think to myself that I’m Free. Free to feel. Free of the compulsion inside to hide. Free to be imperfect.

FreeAm I focused on it? Besides the little glitch in remembering the word and having to look it up, I think I am on a good start…

Free to feel… I’m letting myself feel everyday. Probably more importantly, I’m accepting that my feelings are okay. They’re a part of me. I may not like what I feel at times, but once I get past the gunk covering everything… feeling isn’t such a bad thing.

Free of the compulsion to hide… I’ve made certain commitments for this year, blogging every day, therapy, a certain number of ‘reaching out’ moments every week.

Free to be imperfect… I’m working on being more honest and open about where I am at any given time. If a bad day follows a good one, well so be it. That’s where I am at that time. I’m letting go of a lot of the frustration I feel with bad days and being willing to say… today sucks, I’m afraid, I’m confused, I’m sad, I’m happy… as well as why. I’m not perfect and I’m working on being open about that. I’ve also been compiling a list of things I want to take part in this year, things I’ve put off or not done in a while because of fear, of not wanting to be, hmm, well vulnerable.

Free… The depression is a symptom of my thought processes, of stress. My new worst enemy is adrenaline… I’ll talk about that another day. Between therapy, my action lists, growing inside, getting involved in life again as well as healing the damage within, I can see myself being free. Free to be me.

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Image: Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

#reverb10 – Core Story

Few words today… only tears and a shaky smile.

December 31 – Core Story. What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.) (Author: Molly O’Neill)

Regrowth

Through the landscape of a blasted soul, new life.

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{Future tool: Susannah Conway’s Allowing Dreams} Today is the final day of #reverb10.

Thank you from Reverb10 HQ.
Follow us on Twitter: @gwenbell, @kaileenelise & @caligater.

{Image credit}

#reverb10 – Gift

December 30 – Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year? (Author: Holly Root)

This year gave me the gift of understanding my choices.

When I’ve made a choice grounded in fear or in doubt, then right or wrong, I don’t think it’s really been a choice. It’s been a learned reaction to stimuli, a survival instinct. The choice lost in the trauma. Yep, I can see many of my choices as nothing more than learned reactions. Sure, you could ask… but wasn’t it a choice to begin to react that way?

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#reverb10 – Defining Moment

December 29 – Defining Moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year. (Author: Kathryn Fitzmaurice)

Alright. You ever had one of those moments when you read something and think “OMFG!!!”? Honestly, have you? I did reading this prompt. Then I promptly began laughing. Big. Belly. Laughter. Seriously, I did! Nooo, I’m not having some strange manic episode. It was like a moment of clarity and I’m now typing the words out as fast as I can to get it across. If it makes no sense, so be it. It’s still a win situation for me *giggles*

After last night, how I felt going to sleep and how I felt waking up… my initial reaction was expected, I guess. Yeah, alright you don’t know how I felt this morning. I’ll have to think about unpasswording the Dreams1 post.  But anyway, you know what? Having thought about this for a few hours I decided that the big events good and bad, like the break up, or last nights post, passing my course… these things don’t define me or affect my life in any real way. Keep up now, as I’ll probably jump between using me and life in this post, because in many ways they mean the same thing.

These events mark me, they don’t define me. It’s what I do afterwards that affects my life. It’s how it’s dealt with and how it’s seen… that is what defines me, what affects my life. It’s what happens afterwards… the little things that affect. Do you get where I’m going with this? Hmm, think about it as… my life is a reflection of me. I’m a reflection of my life.

Last night I described my life as moments of joy blanketed by darkness. It’s a pretty fair and accurate description of both me and my life. The darkness grew over the years from an inability to cope or deal with events in a healthy way. The Achieve post was Big for me. Very Big. Sharing it has marked me, but not in the same way as the events described did so long ago. It has to mark me, at least in some way. I still feel it, but again I’ve trusted in the process and I’ve woken up… feeling. This is good. To feel is good. I also woke up to 2 comments on the post and they were… just right. I trusted and the universe reflected me back at me. My life as it is becoming.

This is what affects me, affects my life. The little things… and this is just a sample from the last few weeks.

  • A friend who spent time joking with me at 4am on Skype, well, 4am for me, when I needed it.
  • The online community who welcomed me back as if I’d never been gone.
  • Joyful moments spent with family in the midst of my annual Christmas meltdown.
  • Comments received on a difficult post, other comments on other posts.
  • My son saying today… “Could be arranged. Nah, I like my mum” after I’d given the kids an “Over my dead body” comment in a morning tease-fest.

Yes, the big events mark me, but it’s the little things that affect my life. They reflect and define who I am, who I am becoming… in turn this change within is reflected back at me in my life.

Confused? I’m not! *evil giggle* If you are confused, we’ll just blame it on this being one of the fastest posts I’ve written… ever!!

{Future tool: The 99%’s How to Budget for an Irregular Income. For the next 3 days as you round out your year, we’ll share one tool each day to help you plan your year ahead.}

#reverb10 – Achieve

December 28 – Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today. (Author: Tara Sophia Mohr)

Oh lord *shakes head* This opened a can of worms. Stinky, horrible worms. *shakes head* I hope this is worth it. I hope bringing as much as I bring out into the light here heals. I was going to move most of it to drafts and publish it later… but I’ll throw a little trust at the universe again and let it be. It feels the right time.

There is only one thing I want to achieve in 2011 and that’s to leave depression behind, or at least feel I’m in control of my life again.

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#reverb10 – Ordinary Joy

December 27 – Ordinary Joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year? (Author: Brené Brown)

Ahhh, “joyful ordinary moments”. No matter what I’ve been going through this year there have been a lot of moments of joy. With family, with Chris, alone… standing out in the yard in the pouring rain… Oooo wonderful!, but I think next time I won’t stop myself from jumping in some puddles *giggle*

The one that I do want to write about is from Christmas Day, probably as it was during my annual “Ugh, Christmas!” issues. There was joy on that day. I’ve already written about listening and watching the kids playing in the morning, but in the afternoon my brother and I took them to the beach. We left towels and dry clothes in the cars because of the weather and traipsed off with ourselves and the boogie boards.

We were all in the water and I looked to my left and found my brother, to the right my nephews were waiting for waves to catch and behind me I found my son and his girlfriend. We were all in the water and we all had smiles on our faces. Everyone was happy in this moment, even me. The rain was falling lightly by this time, but we were happy and carefree. I thought my heart could have burst with joy in that moment.

{Future tool: Tara Mohr’s The Next Steps After Vision… For the next 5 days as you round out your year, we’ll share one tool each day to help you plan your year ahead.

For a visual journey into reflecting + manifesting, check the Flickr images tagged with #reverb10.}