Curry bribery

I did plan to be on the road tonight, except, well, something came up. A conversation with my brother this afternoon when he came home from work…

Hey, I’ll be hitting the road soon.

What? Now?

In about an hour.

Nooo, you shouldn’t be leaving this late. Have a good sleep and leave in the morning. Too late to leave now.

Oh my, is this my brother sounding like our mother? It’s earlier than when I headed down.

I suppose so. *pause* I’m making a lamb curry tonight.

Okay, a good night’s sleep it is. *chuckle*

(laughter)

My brother has the whole parent thing down. When logic fails turn to bribery. The curry was very yummy and well worth waiting to leave!

That headache…

I woke up with a headache this morning. Not just any kind of headache, one that tells me a migraine is coming. It’s been a while since I’ve had one of those.

Sometimes when I have things to do, okay usually, I’ll take a couple of tablets and see if that’s enough to deal with it. That only works in the early stages. I searched and couldn’t find any headache tablets here, so rather than buy some I thought I’d follow it and see where it came from.

You see, migraines don’t threaten me for no reason, I know they’re usually stress related. It was a mystery to me, as I don’t really feel stressed. At least that’s what I told myself. I tried to spend the day listening to my thoughts.

Sure there was an email from my son last night before I went to sleep, a standard, anger filled missive. Anger sent back with love and polite reply sent. Job interview tomorrow. I’m okay with that. Trip to Queensland this week to swap cars and collect some warmer clothes, paperwork, etc. Mmmm, woolen socks. My toes can barely wait. Work on the weekend in Brisbane. That’s always fun. Enrollment for a course I want to do… but what if I enrol at that campus and can’t find work or somewhere to live nearby? Two tyres for my car… Has my car been serviced as promised by my father? Will he pressure me make reasonable requests for me to stay in Queensland longer? Will I be paid for work on the weekend?  Oh. I see. What if I can’t get back to Sydney?

It was interesting to watch the different reactions in my body to my thoughts. To feel the shoulders tighten, twitches here and there, the belly goes acidic, nausea kicks in, headache worsens. The last thoughts were enough to send the pain in my head skyrocketing. That was when the headache reached the point I had to vomit.

After that the headache came and went. Thankfully, it never reached migraine stage. I knew what was at the heart of it.

Every time I felt the pain returning I’d take a deep breath and remind myself that the fears are based on events from the past. I’m not that person who would have been pressured to stay anymore. The fears are groundless and have no place in the present. Worst case scenario… I won’t be paid on the weekend and I’ll need to borrow some money or wait a week. Even that’s not the end of the world.

Even though I do understand that the rest will take care of itself, the uncertainty of my situation is a little harder to shake completely. Work, study, home… the three will come together as they’re meant to. I know that, just wish I could really know it.

Perception of perfection

Thoughts have turned to interviews, as I have an interview on Tuesday. No, no, not for the 224 character application I put in. Won’t hear anything about that for at least a month *shakes head*

I can actually count on two hands the number of interviews I’ve been to since I left school at 15. Seriously, 26 years and 7 interviews, that is if I’m remembering them all. Today I remembered my very first interview, one I blocked out all these years… as a check-out chick in a supermarket. About to open for business, they were taking on junior casuals. Actually, if you were a junior, decently presented and good at maths, you were in.

I didn’t get in.

I was well presented, well spoken and an A grade maths student… and I didn’t get in. It’s funny to understand my perceptions back then. Back then I was devastated because of that whole supposed perfectionist thing I had going on. You see, I didn’t actually hear what the manager was telling me when he said I should be applying for office junior positions. All I heard was I wasn’t good enough, while now I understand he was trying to tell me I was better than the position I was applying for.

That is something I’ve done most of my life… identify myself from outside with the opinions of others. Ms Mari Fit-In-At-All-Costs. It’s one of the reasons my perfectionism was unattainable. How do you meet the standards everyone else has of you? Simple. You can’t. At least not if you want to remain sane. The only standards you can meet are your own.

The big questions with standards are… Are they your own? How high is high enough? We’re human, we don’t actually need to be perfect. Thinking we do is just our own perception.

Repeat after me… I am enough.

Now, off to the hairdresser I go. No reason I can’t give myself a little extra boost in the confidence department 😀

Oh Hunters, how I miss thee…

Hunters and Collectors that is. I can’t remember if I ever saw them live. It’s in my mind that I did, but I can’t remember more than a shadow of a memory, so not certain if I actually did. Either way, one of my favourite bands from back then.

Hunters and Collectors – Throw your arms around me.

Oddities in the hunt for work

Besides the internet being slowed to the pace of a snail on a bender, yes that slow, this hunt for work has been both interesting and full of thrills. The great thing about looking for work in Sydney is the amount of administrative type work available. This is so different to the Gold Coast, which has more shops per capita than anywhere else in the world. That little fact shocked me when I learned it last year. Although it does explain why so many small businesses go out of business there. Ma and Pop move to sunny climes and open up the store they always dreamed of with no real understanding of running a store, at least to make money, in an area that is filled to the brim with stores.

Having so many small retail stores means that retail work is plentiful on the Gold Coast and getting administrative work is like finding gold. Sydney is different and I’m loving seeing so many jobs that make me squirm as I whisper… Ooo, I want it!

The job hunt has some oddities, one of which is the application processes different businesses use. It seems the days are gone when I’d pore over the newspaper in the morning, ringing a potential employer before sending in an application. Actually, three of my first four jobs in the 80s went from phone call to interview with no written application at all. Now it’s email a resume or fill out an online application.

The systems they use for online applications are kind of cool, although I try not to grind my teeth too much when I spend the time to enter all the relevant information they ask for and then find out that they want a resume to be uploaded as well. Really?! You couldn’t have read all that information from my resume anyway?! Some are better set up, upload resume first and bypass those sections that the resume covers. Let’s call that my selection process for who I’d rather work for. Efficiency for the win!

Now the strangest oddity that I ran into was this morning with an online application process that doesn’t ask for a resume and instead wants relevant skills or experience in 224 characters. Yes, characters, not words. Stunned is definitely understating my reaction. I’m getting better at short, but really? 224 characters? It’s not even two tweets! Even though I really am trying to give up my title of The Queen of Unnecessary Word Use, that was a lot of pressure for my chatter filled brain.

Success only took me one hour… 222 characters used to describe my relevant skills and experience. One hour. *shakes head and tries not to giggle*

#reverb11 – What’s blossoming?

The reverb crew asks us this month… What’s blossoming?

What’s blossoming? It’s autumn here in Australia and I’m sitting in Sydney trying really hard not to freeze my ass off. Seriously, I’m showing my soft Queensland acclimatised body in its bluest light… and it’s not even winter yet. So whose bright idea was it to come here when the weather is turning cold instead of when it’s warming up? Alright, that’s kind of obvious *blush* I’ve even searched my brother’s apartment… not a heater to be found anywhere! I try hard not to think of the two heaters I have sitting in the garage in Queensland.

I could say that the only things blossoming are poorly thought out ideas. That and my cold toes in bed and my cold nose in the early hours of the morning. Oh, and that mist that pours out of my mouth when I’m outside at night. Those fluffy socks that were very warm in Queensland are not going to cut it down here.

Anyway, back to what’s really blossoming… Ideas and change. Poorly thought out on the surface, the lack of over planning fills me with anticipation of the unknown in this change. All I know right now is I’m sitting on my brother’s couch, in his unheated apartment, somewhere in Sydney, during Autumn… and I’m loving it.

The rest is unknown. My heart fills with the possibilities. My head scrambles to catch up, scrambles to let the anxiety go, scrambles to let the possibilities take shape.

Ideas and change. Choices. The unknown. Possibilities. Adventure.

A day of finding what’s lost

Some days I’m left wondering why I’m trying to catch my breath. Today was one of those days. Not a bad day by any means, just not a great day and I felt it. It was a day with a growing sense of unease.

Letting myself dwell on this feeling I begin to understand my routines are missing, those routines of healing that have gotten me through the last months. I arrived in Sydney shell-shocked with all that had happened with my son. Within days I felt expansion, the excitement of possibilities. Then I began to drift. That was when my routines fell apart.

I’m sleeping better, even going to sleep earlier. The problem is that I’m waiting to go to sleep when I’m exhausted, too tired to do any of my pre-sleep relaxation routines or meditation. Sleep already??!! Yay!! That’s about as far as my thoughts have gone concerning my sleep habits until tonight.

I began to listen to the chatter of my mind. Most of the chatter is positive. That’s what lulled me the most. There’s no bitch voice, nothing to set off alarm bells. Only little surprises such as I had last night when I walked into the room and questioned why I was there.

I try to listen to the thoughts beyond the chatter and there seems to be a lot of chatter. A lot. And I’ve been ignoring it all. I haven’t been releasing the chatter, as my visits to 750 words have become sporadic. Releasing the chatter there lets me focus on the deeper thoughts and would let me avoid the scattered thoughts of the last week.

My routine of healing has been missing. The relaxation exercises, meditations, the releasing of chatter on 750 words, the affirmations, mantras, the moments of silencing my mind. All missing.

That’s about to change.

That wistful feeling

It’s a quiet evening. Quiet now that younger nephew is preparing for bed. My elder nephew is plugged into his iPod, happily lost in some old, old heavy metal band. Pokemon dvd has finally been turned off and my whole body almost quivered with my need to sigh in relief. I thought younger nephew’s obsession with Thomas the Tank Engine a few years ago would be the end of me. Or maybe that was Teletubbies?

I sigh softly, wistfully remembering the past. Videos of Thomas played over and over and over again when my son went through his own Thomas obsession as a toddler. I used to wonder… why oh why would someone make us sit through the theme music multiple times? Those videos felt like a never-ending loop of theme music to me.

This wistful feeling continues from the weekend, from spending time with my friends, in the city I grew up in. Today it’s family. I walk back into the room and almost feel like an intruder in this time my brother spends with his sons.

I walk in and I question why I’m here and who am I to be a part of this? Choices from the past lay heavily on me tonight, reminding me who I chose to be.

Oh.

That’s the point… it’s “who I chose to be” and not who I’ve chosen to become now.

I smile as my brother decides on a new song to learn on the guitar… People are Strange. I love the Echo and the Bunnymen version. Younger nephew walks in, ready for bed. Everyone laughs as my brother sets aside his guitar and I call out… No, no, no, that song will be in my head all night now!

I can hear the low murmur as my brother reads to younger nephew. Elder nephew picks up the guitar and begins to play.

Right now, I’m here with family and I belong… and there’s no better feeling in the world than that.

Yep, that song wouldn’t leave my head… enjoy some People are Strange…

Feeling out of place

I had a great time in Canberra. Lots of laughs. Lots of food. Lots of alcohol. Oh wait, I didn’t drink. Well, no one drank  a lot. It was great to see friend N who I haven’t seen for around 3 years. When I arrived we threw ourselves into each other’s arms, so there were tears as well.

I’m really glad I went. Well worth killing the fuel budget for!

Getting back to my brother’s flat and I felt… out of place. I was tired and felt like crying. I lay down and slept for a few hours. Waking up I felt better. Still a little down and after spending a little time thinking about how I feel, I came to the conclusion…

The feelings are being brought up from the past. Combine that with the lack of permanency in my life right now. Understandable that I could feel a little out of place. A little of me that was coming face to face to the me that I’m becoming with no real knowledge of me  now. And through all of that… I miss my son.

Time for some more sleep.

Spontaneity, the biggest victim.

The biggest victim with my false perfectionism and it’s related guilt has been… Spontaneity. Yep, that’s the first thing to suffer with my view of the world.

Years ago, while I still lived in Canberra, friend N and I would head off for trips. No real reason, except to get out of town. Usually no destination. One rainy Friday night we’d decided to head to the coast. We began heading east and the further we drove, the heavier the rain became. So we turned around and headed in the other direction. We found clear skies somewhere on the way to the Victorian border. It was a fun weekend. The unplanned ones were always the best.

Even now, even though I can see the problems with the way I’ve always thought, I seem to keep myself under tight control. I seem to spend so much time keeping watch on my thoughts, so I’m less spontaneous. I play less. And really, play is just as important to my state of mind.

Friend N rang me a few hours ago. She was on a day trip with her son to collect some things. They got to the Victorian border, did what they set out to do, thought about how close they are to Canberra and decided… F*** it!

That’s the attitude we used to live by. Her first question to me was… feel like driving to Canberra? Ohh, Canberra… maybe. Upshot, as this post publishes, which has actually been scheduled (I know, shock, horror, hope you’re seated, after the last few days), I’ll be asleep on friend D‘s couch. D thinks we’re totally mad, but isn’t complaining to have his house filled up by interstate visitors who have only given him a few hours notice.

Back tomorrow! *waves* Well, maybe.